In desperate need of good jokes!

[Zukunftsmusik]

I'm that kind of person who forgets all good jokes. And for my English class tomorrow I've been given the dullest task ever: Find a good joke.

So, yeah, just write a joke here if you have one.

[Manic Impressive]

It's been announced that Margaret Thatcher will have a state funeral. The former PM is to be buried at the bottom of a man made lake.

Or at least she will be once we've finished pissing on her grave.

Plans have begun for Margaret Thatcher's state funeral.

It'll be the first time ever the 21 gun salute is fired into the coffin.

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Michael Jackson?

Margaret Thatcher didn't like miners.

[Vendetta]

Life.

:)

[praxis1966]

I realize that this stems from a homework assignment, but it's still a joke thread so it doesn't belong in Non-Poli.

Moved to Chat, where you'll probably get better responses anyway. :)

[Zukunftsmusik]

I realize that this stems from a homework assignment, but it's still a joke thread so it doesn't belong in Non-Poli.

Moved to Chat, where you'll probably get better responses anyway. :)

mmkay, fine by me.

Liked the maggie jokes. And, yeah, I know life's a joke, but because everyone lives it, there's no reason to tell it :p

[Lyev]

Hedgehogs...



....


why don't they just share the hedge?
____

Kind of rubbish, but apparently it won like best one-liner at the Edinburgh fringe a few years ago.

[wunderbar]

Perfect joke for an English class:

Knock Knock

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.

(This could backfire since the joke won't work if they say "to whom?")

[Johnny Kerosene]

What's the difference between Satan and Hitler?
Satan accepts everyone

Religion, although it hasn't done anything funny that would also be called good, more dark humor.

Knock knock
who's there?
boo
(make them say their part, because everyone is gonna be like I know this.)boo who?
Suck it up, and stop crying

Take the b, a, and t out of basement

Three guys show up at the gate to heaven (yeah it's religious but it's still funny)
St. Peter, or whoever it is, says "There is only room for one more person in heaven, but God loves good death stories, so all of you tell me yours and I'll decide who get's in." The first guy says, "I found out who my wife was cheating on me with, so I went to his apartment to find him. I looked all around, and then just before I gave up, I saw him watering his plants on the balcony, so I ran up and tackled him off the edge, but he landed in the bushes so I ran and grabbed his refridgerator and slid it over the railing and crushed him, but I slipped when I was pushing the fridge, and I fell off and died."
So the second guy says "I was on my balcony watering my plants when some maniac ran up and pushed me off the edge, but I landed on the bushes and lived, until he shoved a fridge down after me."
Then the third guy says "I was hiding in a fridge."

[Broletariat]

Do the classic.

A *insert reactionary group here, I'll use Republican*, a billionaire, and a homeless dude are sitting at a table with 10 slices of cake. The billionaire quickly takes 9 pieces of the cake and whispers to the Republican, you better watch that homeless guy before he takes your slice of cake.

[Manic Impressive]

A son says to his father

"Dad, what is politics?"

The father responds

"well son, you see it's like this; In this house I would be capitalism because I generate money, your mother would be government as she spends the money, you would be the public, your baby brother would be the future and the maid would be the working class. Do you get it now?"

"No not really" replied the son

That night the boy awakes to the sound of his baby brother crying. He checks on the baby to find it's nappy extremely soiled. He then goes to his parents room to find his mother asleep on her own. He goes to the maids room and finds his father shagging the maid.

The next day he says to his father

"I think I understand politics now Dad. The public is ignored while the government is asleep, capitalism is fucking the working class and the future is full of shit"

[ZeroNowhere]

“Belief in the leprechaun is dwindling in Ireland now, though not the fond fancy that believed in him; that tends to be transferred to sweepstakes and politicians. Politicians do good to the country in lots of ways; and one of these days I am going out to look for that good, where a rainbow touches the ground.”

- Lord Dunsany.

[Obs]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are out camping. They set up their tent under the stars and fall asleep. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes Watson up and says "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars," Watson says.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

"Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

"Watson, you idiot," says Holmes, "it means that somebody stole our tent."

[Comrade J]

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent, saying that he's got a part for him in an upcoming play.
"You'll have to go to an audition, but it's just one line - 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'" says the agent.
So the actor goes to the audition, stands in front of the director and loudly proclaims "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!".
The director says that he's brilliant and has got the part; all he needs to do is turn up on the night, after the interval, as his line is right at the start of the second act.
On the night of the play the actor is running late due to traffic. He runs up to the theatre, but a bouncer stops him,
"Who are you?"
"I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'"
"You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'? You're late, get to make-up quickly!"
The actor rushes up to make-up, where a woman stops him,
"Who are you?"
"I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'"
"You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'? You're late, we'd better get you into your costume!"
So the actor is dressed and his make-up done, before he rushes to the side of the stage, where a stage-hand stops him,
"Who are you?"
"I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'"
"You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'? You're about to go on, you've arrived just in time!"
So the actor steps out in front of the audience, the spotlight upon him. Suddenly, there is a very loud bang behind him, and the actor shouts,

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?"

----------

I was talking to a guy from Belfast last night and he told me that he was a member of the lemon order.

"Surely you mean the orange order?" I asked.

"No", he replied. "We're more bitter than them."

----------

Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just don't know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor...

----------



Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

----------



I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

----------

I needed some milk this morning, so I went round to my neighbours and asked them through the letter box.

"We're all out," they replied.

"Fuck off," I said. "I can hear you in there."

----------

I caught my seven year-old son about to steal a biscuit from the cupboard.
I said, "Oi, I wouldn't do that if I was you."
He said, "No, but you'd put your dick in Auntie Sarah while Mummy was at work."
I said, "There's some chocolate ones in the fridge."

----------



An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

An air of sectarian hatred and Nationalism prevented them from enjoying their pint.

----------

I was in the roughest part of Windsor today.

Some guy walked past me and didn't even tip his hat.

[ZeroNowhere]

^ Are you some kind of sadist?

[Comrade J]

^ Are you some kind of sadist?

:lol:Why? Fail to see the link...

[JustMovement]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"

Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

[MarxSchmarx]

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved clowns. I mean LOVED them. He had posters of them all over his wall and pictures of them everywhere. One day his parents took him to the Circus to see all of the clowns. He was so excited! He never saw one up close before! In the middle of the show, a tiny little car came out and out came 20 clowns! He was cheering so loud he couldn't speak for a couple minutes. Just then, the Leader of the Clowns took a microphone and asked for a volunteer. Billy raised his hand and shouted ''Me! Me!'' The clown looked around and said ''You!'' as he pointed at Billy. He was so happy!
Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown looked down at him and asked, ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy said ''No...'' ''Are you the horse's ears?'' ''No...'' Then the clown got an evil look in his eye as he said ''Then you must be the horse's ass!'' The whole tent shook with laughter, and Billy cried his eyes out. He couldn't believe a clown made fun of him like that! He swore revenge!
Billy grew up, he went to college, got a job, got married, and had a few kids, but still never forgot what that clown did to him. One morning he saw an ad in the paper for the same circus, and decided to go. He knew the PERFECT insult to get him back! When he told his wife and kids he was going his kids asked if they could goto the circus with him. He calmly said ''No. Daddy has something he needs to do there.'' In the middle of the show, a little car came out and out came about 20 clowns. The crowd cheered, except for Billy. The Leader of the Clowns took a microphone. It was the same Clown! Billy was so excited that he could now get revenge!
The clown asked for a volunteer. Billy calmly raised his hand. The clown picked him! Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown said ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy stayed calm and said ''No.'' The clown asked ''Are you the horse's ears?'' Billy replied ''No.'' Then the clown said ''Then you must be the horse's ass!''
Billy knew his time had come. As the crowd laughed and everyone cheered, his anger grew. Now was the time for revenge. He looked deep into the clown's eyes and said...
''Fuck you, Clown.''


I dunno it was funnier when someone took 20 minutes to tell me that joke.

[Martin Blank]

A guy is staying at one of those big hotels downtown that has a skylight bar on the top floor. One night, he decides he wants a drink and takes the elevator up. He walks into the bar, sits down and orders a scotch on the rocks.

After a couple minutes, another guy walks in. He's tall, good looking, wearing a suit. He marches over and slams his hand on the bar, saying, "Bartender! Give me the usual."

The bartender immediately goes to work, mixing various liquors together. He shakes it for a moment, then pours it into a glass and hands it to the guy. He drinks it all in a single gulp. Suddenly, his head starts to shake back and forth wildly, and he lets out a wild shriek. He bolts toward the window, opens it up, jumps out and flies around the building, landing back where he was standing only a moment before. He then goes and sits at the opposite end of the bar, breathing heavily.

The first guy is stunned for a moment, having seen the most amazing thing he'd ever seen in his life. He turns to the bartender and says, "Give me one of what he had!" The bartender obliges and begins mixing the wild concoction, shakes it, pours it into a glass and hands it to him. He drinks it all down in a single gulp, just like he saw the other guy do. After a couple seconds, the first guy's head begins to shake back and forth and he let's out a wild yell. He immediately goes over to the open window, jumps out and plummets to his death.

The bartender walks over to the other guy, shaking his head. "Superman, you're a crazy motherfucker. That's the fourth guy this week!"

[cu247]

Can they be dead babies jokes..I know it's for school and these are kind of gross. But I don't know..I like these jokes.

-What is the difference between a dead baby and a door knob?
- It's harder to ram a fork through a door knob.

-What is funnier than a dead baby with a clown nose?
- A clown with the nose of a dead baby.

-What is the worst part of having sex with a baby?
- Wiping the blood of your clown suit afterwards.

[Ose]

Jean-Paul Sartre walks into a cafe and sits down. The waitress comes over and asks what he wants. He says 'I'll have a coffee please, with sugar but no cream.' So the waitress goes to get his coffee, but comes back a couple of minutes later and says 'Sorry sir, we don't have any cream, would you like it with no milk instead?'

[scarletghoul]

what happened to the cannibal who was late home for tea ?
his wife gave him the cold shoulder.

how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

[wunderbar]

What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.

[ZeroNowhere]

What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.One could say the same about Devendra Bishoo.

[Angry Young Man]

What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.


Why did Princess Diana cross the road?


Wasn't wearing a seatbelt

[Die Rote Fahne]

Why didnt the cripple cross the road? He couldnt...

Got that from cyanide and happiness.

Or

A seal walks into a club..

[Rusty Shackleford]

Q: Why do shoes always come in pairs?

A: Because they're solemates!

[Zukunftsmusik]

A seal walks into a club..

Haha, I really laughed at this. It reminds of another joke. In Norway "All the children"-jokes are quite popular. In every joke there's a name that rhymes with something er... funny. And because they rhyme they don't work in English. Apart from the one you just reminded me on:

All the children... no wait, I guess that would be grammatically wrong. Let me start over:
Every child had a name except from

And then there's this one: All the children were named Sarah, except from Carl, he was named Allan.

Anyways, thanks for all the posts, they were very helpful!

[Angry Young Man]

All the children... no wait, I guess that would be grammatically wrong. Let me start over:
Every child had a name except from

And then there's this one: All the children were named Sarah, except from Carl, he was named Allan.

Anyways, thanks for all the posts, they were very helpful!

In Britain we have a stereotype that Germans aren't funny. We're just not bright enough to get it. Looks like it should have been Norway.

[Manic Impressive]

In Britain we have a stereotype that Germans aren't funny. We're just not bright enough to get it. Looks like it should have been Norway.
Haha

Here's a good article on the German sense of humour written by British comedian Stuart Lee


GERMANY – THE HUMOUR PROBLEM

In 1873 the British scholar and traveller Professor Basil Hall Chamberlain visited Japan. He recorded his views of the nation’s music in his subsequent book, Japanese Things: Being Notes On Various Subjects Connected With Japan. “Music,” he wrote, “if that beautiful word must be allowed to fall so low as to denote the strummings and squealings of Orientals, is supposed to have existed in Japan since mythological times… but (its) effect is not to soothe, but to exasperate beyond all endurance the European breast.” Professor Chamberlain concluded his essay suggesting that further study of Japanese music should only be pursued by those “who wish to investigate more minutely the ways and means whereby injury is inflicted upon sensitive ears.” Today this view seems shameful to our modern, sophisticated brains, and we believe the Japanese to be at worst our equals, and possibly even our superiors in matters such as bondage pornography, the illegal slaughter of whales, and the manufacture of infantile miniature models of colourful animals. It was not, as Professor Chamberlain assumed, that Japan had no musical ability, but that it had no musical tradition that an 1873 British professor could recognise. The Japanese musical vocabulary was utterly alien. Similarly, a commonly held contemporary British view is that the Germans have no sense of humour. But can this be possible? Can there genuinely be a nation incapable of laughter, or is it just that the German language of laughter differs so greatly from our own, that it appears non-existent?

Our attitude to the Germans and their supposed lack of a sense of humour is best understood through the example of the joke known to comedy professionals such as myself as ‘The German Child.’ It goes like this. An English couple have a child. After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This however should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop normally. It can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks. The concerned parents take it to the doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom. Years pass. The German child enters its teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects it is fully functional. The German child’s mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness. One day she makes the German child, who is now seventeen years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup, and takes it through to him in the parlour where he is listening to a wind-up gramophone record player. Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly declares, “Mother. This soup is a little tepid.” The German child’s mother is astonished. “All these years,” she exclaims, “we assumed you could not speak. And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?” “Because Mother,” answers the German child, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.” The implication of this fabulous joke is that the Germans are ruthlessly rational, and this assumption leaves us little room to imagine them finding time to be playful. But be assured, the German sense of humour not only exists, it actually flourishes, albeit in a form we are ill equipped to recognise.

In December 2004 I accompanied Richard Thomas, the composer of the popular stage hit Jerry Springer The Opera, to Hannover, where he had gained a commission to develop an opera about a night in a British stand-up comedy club. We wrote the words in English and Richard then collaborated on a translation, with a talented German comedy writer called Hermann Bräuer. There were two initial problems with this comedically, one cultural and one linguistic. Firstly, the idea of stand-up is somewhat alien to the Germans. They have a cabaret tradition of sophisticated satire, perverted cross dressing and mildly amusing songs, and there are also recognisable mainstream low brow comedy tropes in the form of vulgar popular entertainers. But the idea of the conversational, casual, middle-ground of English speaking stand-up comedy is unknown to the Germans. Indeed, initial attempts by the Hannover Schauspielhaus set designers to render a typical British comedy club floundered as they attempted to formalise the idea of a stand-up venue, and it was a struggle to explain that we needed to reduce the room to a bare black box rather than attempt to give it a cabaret stage vibe.

Secondly, this instinct to formalise of a genre of comedy we accept as inherently informal is not indivisible from the limitations the German language imposes on conventional British comedy structures. The flexibility of the English language allows us to imagine that we are an inherently witty nation, when in fact we just have a vocabulary and a grammar that allow for endlessly amusing confusions of meanings. At a rough estimate, half of what we find amusing involves using little linguistic tricks to conceal the subject of our sentences until the last possible moment, so that it appears we are talking about something else. For example, it is possible to imagine any number of British stand-up’s concluding a bit with something structurally similar to the following; “I was sitting there, minding my own business, naked, smeared with salad dressing and lowing like an ox… and then I got off the bus.” We laugh, hopefully, because the behaviour described would be inappropriate on a bus, but we had assumed it was taking place either in private or perhaps at some kind of sex club, because the word ‘bus’ was withheld from us. Other suitable punch-lines for this set-up would be, “And that was just the teachers”, “I was twenty-eight years old” and “That’s the last time I attempt to find work as a research chemist in Paraguay.” There is even a technical term used by those who direct comedy on camera to describe this one-size-fits-all mechanism. Eddie Large is gasping for air as a hot dog falls into the end of his snorkel. The shot widens to reveal Sid Little, whose sausages are flying into the air out of his hot-dog buns because he is using too much ketchup. Pull back and reveal. But German will not always allow you to shunt the key word to the end of the sentence to achieve this failsafe laugh. After spending weeks struggling with the rigors of the German language’s far less flexible sentence structures to achieve the endless succession of ‘pull back and reveals’ that constitute much English language humour, the idea of our comedic superiority soon begins to fade. It is a mansion built on sand.

The German phenomenon of compound words also serves to confound the English sense of humour. In English there are many words that have double or even triple meanings, and whole sit-com plot structures have been built on the confusion that arises from deploying these words at choice moments. Once again, German denies us this easy option. There is less room for doubt in German because of the language’s infinitely extendable compound words. In English we surround a noun with adjectives to try and clarify it. In German, they merely bolt more words onto an existing word. Thus a Federal Constitutional Court, which in English exists as three weak fragments, becomes Bundesverfassungsgericht, a vast impregnable structure which is difficult to penetrate linguistically, like that Nazi castle in Where Eagles Dare. The German language provides fully functional clarity. English humour thrives on confusion.

Thirdly, for the smutty British comic writers, it seemed difficult to find a middle ground between scientifically precise language describing sexual and bodily functions, and outright obscenity. There seemed to be no nuanced, nudge-nudge no-man’s land, where English comic sensibilities and German logic could meet on Christmas Day and kick around a few dirty jokes in a cheeky, Carry On style. A German theatre director explained that this was because the Germans did not find the human body smutty or funny, due to all attending mixed saunas from an early age. I told her I found the idea of mixed saunas disgusting, and that while British people may be ashamed of sex, at least they had never elected a Nazi government. Later on in my stay I found myself explaining to the dramaturg of Hannover Schauspielhaus why English was a great language for comedy, with its possibility for confusion of meaning and the flexibility of its sentences. “There is no need for you to be so proud of yourself,” she explained in precise and accurate English, “it is not as if you personally invented the English language. You merely inherited it by the geographical accident of your birth”. I laughed, and everything finally fell into place.

The geographical accident of Germany has denied Germans the fun we have with language, and it seemed to me that their sense of humour was built on blunt, seemingly serious, statements, which became funny simply because of their context. I looked back over the time I had spent in Hannover and suddenly found situations that had seemed inexplicable, even offensive, at the time hilarious in retrospect. On my first night in Hannover I had gone out drinking with some young German actors. “You will notice there are no old buildings in Hannover,” one of them said. “That is because you bombed them all.” At the time I found this shocking and embarrassing. Now it seems like the funniest thing you could possibly say to a nervous English visitor. Since watching jokes I co-wrote for our German production withering in the translation process, all their contrived weaknesses exposed, I have stopped writing jokes as such, and feel I am a better stand-up because of it. I try now to write about ideas, that would be funny in nay language, and don’t rely on Pull Back And Reveals and confusion of meaning. Germany kicked away my comedy crutches and taught we to walk unaided. I am hugely grateful to the Germans, though this does not fully make up for the bad things they did in the war. Since you asked, the stand-up opera went ok, and sooner or later we’ll stage it in Britain, in English where it will make a lot more sense. To paraphrase Simon Munnery, a British comedian so rigorous in his intellect he is almost German, there is much we can learn from watching the Germans. Not as much, however, as they can learn from watching us.

[Angry Young Man]

:( If only that epiphany had made Stewart Lee funny. Maybe I'm just being base and ADHD, but whenever I hear him I think 'ooh, that's a good set-up: this'll be hilarious,' then he'll drawl along and I'll zone out, then he'll finish, then I'll think 'it could have been hilarious with a pair of secateurs.

[Manic Impressive]

I love Stewart Lee the only 80's stand up who didn't sell out his principles.
This ones good
w0i0RXMvzMs
taking the piss out of Scottish nationalism
giutM5j_EGw
he's an extremely good troll

[Zukunftsmusik]

In Britain we have a stereotype that Germans aren't funny. We're just not bright enough to get it. Looks like it should have been Norway.

Haha, yeah, or it could just be me having a lousy humor.

[Angry Young Man]

Is everyone else in Norway a wit?

Norway can that be true :lol:

[Fulanito de Tal]

Perfect joke for an English class:

Knock Knock

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.

(This could backfire since the joke won't work if they say "to whom?")

THIS IS THE BEST KNOCK KNOCK JOKE I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:: laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::l augh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

[Dr Mindbender]

Q: Whats white and moves up and down on a baby's pram?

A: Gary Glitter's arse.


Q: What do alcoholic worms eat?

A: George Best.


Q: Whats sweet and comes in a box for Easter?

A: The Queen mum.


Q: What takes 4 strokes before it goes stiff?

A : Princess Margaret.


Q: What does Princess Diana have in common with Pink Floyd?

A : Their last great hit was the wall.


Q: Who's the fastest reader in the house of commons?

A : Norman Tebbitt, he did over 3 storeys in less than 10 seconds.

The Queen mother goes to the Pearly gates and goes through where she meets Princess Diana. She says ''Thats a lovely halo, can i get one?'' Princess Diana replies ''Fuck you, you cow, Its a steering wheel!''


Q: Whats the difference between acne and a priest?

A: Acne doesnt usually come on your face till you're at least twelve.

A priest and a choir boy are walking through a church grounds after dark. The choir boy says to the priest ''Father, I'm scared'' the priest says ''How do you think I feel, I've got to walk out of here alone!''


A man asks his friend i need you to do me a favour. I want to divorce my wife but I have no grounds to do so. So I want you to sleep with her and kill our raut weiler, but make it look like she is guilty so I can frame her. She is upstairs, and the dog is tied up around the back. You know what to do. So his friend Goes upstairs to the bedroom. There is a slight commotion and then it goes silent. He then goes downstairs to where the dog is. After about 10 minutes the dog is seen waddling off in pain. The man reemerges, covered in scratches. He says to his friend, ''Ok, your dog has run away, where do you want me to bury your wife?'''

A boy and his girlfriend are in the cinema kissing. After a while the boys stops and asks her ''Is that chewing gum youve got in your mouth'' She replies, ''no its not gum, ive got bronchitis''

Q: Whats the difference between cockneys and smarties?

A: Smarties dont melt in the tube!

[Angry Young Man]

What's the difference between cockneys and smarties?

Smarties have a rightful place on earth