Asexuality?

[Ele'ill]

From the time I was about 17 until I was about 23-24 I've been involved in lengthy intimate relationships- before the age of 17 there were 'intimate' relationships although they were fleeting. I remember thinking about sex and having a partner at a very young age. Since the last relationship, I've enjoyed being single and enjoyed not engaging in any type of intimacy with anyone. That feeling of 'enjoyment from not being with anyone' is getting more solidified. Why? I almost feel like when being hit on, even in a polite/cute manner, that my personal space/world is being maliciously invaded. Given the past, it could be said that this all makes sense but I don't think it has much to do with my history because it doesn't feel like it does. Is there something wrong with me? I frequently find men and women attractive but I don't want anything to do with them. Combative self-worth issues? Asexuality? Stuff surfacing from the past? I have no idea.

[Property Is Robbery]

From the time I was about 17 until I was about 23-24 I've been involved in lengthy intimate relationships- before the age of 17 there were 'intimate' relationships although they were fleeting. I remember thinking about sex and having a partner at a very young age. Since the last relationship, I've enjoyed being single and enjoyed not engaging in any type of intimacy with anyone. That feeling of 'enjoyment from not being with anyone' is getting more solidified. Why? I almost feel like when being hit on, even in a polite/cute manner, that my personal space/world is being maliciously invaded. Given the past, it could be said that this all makes sense but I don't think it has much to do with my history because it doesn't feel like it does. Is there something wrong with me? I frequently find men and women attractive but I don't want anything to do with them. Combative self-worth issues? Asexuality? Stuff surfacing from the past? I have no idea.
Are you intimate with your friends?

[Admiral Swagmeister G-Funk]

i kinda have a similar problem, except i actually want sex. i hate being hit on like you say and i hate the idea of a relationship but want sex. i can't find anyone who is up for it without emotional attachment, people are too needy and caught up in illusions of romance whereas i just wanna enjoy the animal in me.

anyway, maybe your thing is just temporary? if you've had a lot of in depth relationships, you might just be needing a nice long break from intimacy. perhaps it'll change when you meet someone and find them really attractive, for now you might just be sick of being close to people are in that way. its probably quite a common thing, i'm sure the spark will return.

[Ele'ill]

Are you intimate with your friends?

By intimate with friends do you mean 'being close to them as people- good friends' or 'having open sexual relationships with friends'? I am the first. I have met people after that 'last relationship' of mine who I initially was intimate with- sexually- but I couldn't emotionally do that and I either lost contact over a period of time or they are friends now.

[Dr Mindbender]

6ukMGnQohOw

[PhoenixAsh]

ˆˆ no sense was made.

------------
Interesting. Did you lose all interest in intimacy? Maybe its just a phase?

But more importantly...do you consider this a problem?

[Ele'ill]

anyway, maybe your thing is just temporary? if you've had a lot of in depth relationships, you might just be needing a nice long break from intimacy. perhaps it'll change when you meet someone and find them really attractive, for now you might just be sick of being close to people are in that way. its probably quite a common thing, i'm sure the spark will return.

Maybe it is temporary. It's been over five years.

[Property Is Robbery]

By intimate with friends do you mean 'being close to them as people- good friends' or 'having open sexual relationships with friends'? I am the first. I have met people after that 'last relationship' of mine who I initially was intimate with- sexually- but I couldn't emotionally do that and I either lost contact over a period of time or they are friends now.
I meant as good friends. well it doesn't sound like you're "asexual". It could possibly be you psychologically associating sex and sexual relationships with the problems of past relationships. Or it could be you realizing you're strong enough by yourself and don't need others. (this is obviously just my outside perspective)

[Ele'ill]

6ukMGnQohOw

Consider this a friendly warning from the mod team. Next such post in this forum gets you an infraction.

[Admiral Swagmeister G-Funk]

Maybe it is temporary. It's been over five years.

over 5 years since you were intimate with someone? if so, that's a long time. maybe you're anxious because of past relationships and need to give yourself a push or something. that whole facing fears thing. just a speculation, i don't wanna make any assumptions or anything. forgive my pop psychology lol

[Ele'ill]

It most certainly is not a 'forever alone meme' kind of thing. I simply don't want it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality


Asexuals, while typically lacking in sexual desire for either sex, may engage in purely emotional romantic relationships.[20][21][22] Terms concerning this:

panromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of any gender or lack of gender

transromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of variant or ambiguous gender

[Dr Mindbender]

It most certainly is not a 'forever alone meme' kind of thing. I simply don't want it.




Wow, i'm amazed its that prominent to be even officially be denoted as a legitimate 'sexuality'.

The only asexual i can think of in the public domain is Morissey and he is a class A muppet.

[Johnny Kerosene]

I have a friend who's asexual. Any discussion of the sexual sort is of no interest to him. We all used to think he was just a late bloomer but that aspect hasn't changed, and I don't think he's closeted because he's pretty pro gay rights, so you're certainly not alone.

[Ele'ill]

Wow, i'm amazed its that prominent to be even officially be denoted as a legitimate 'sexuality'.

I didn't think the wiki was going to exist or have that much info.


The only asexual i can think of in the public domain is Morissey and he is a class A muppet.

Am I a class A muppet too?

[Magón]

Whether you're asexual or not, doesn't really matter. I mean, if you don't want to have sex with someone because you feel your space is being invaded, then it's obvious you don't want to have sex with that person. I'm sure, like most people, the majority of people you come across, isn't a person you're going to want to sleep with. But there are plenty of them out there, that you will for whatever reason it is you might have. Could be just the moment, your animalistic needs just getting the better of you, or something else.

I doubt it's combative self-worth issue, because usually that involves some sort of thoughts that nobody wants to have sex with you, but it seems in this case, you just don't want to have sex with the majority of people who either approach you for a date/relationship, or whatever.

[Tim Finnegan]

Wow, i'm amazed its that prominent to be even officially be denoted as a legitimate 'sexuality'.
An estimated 1% of the adult population (http://articles.cnn.com/2004-10-14/tech/asexual.study_1_sexuality-new-study-new-scientist?_s=PM:TECH) are asexual.


The only asexual i can think of in the public domain is Morissey and he is a class A muppet.
And fifty years ago, you'd be in a similar position in regards to openly queer public figures. You are in a similar position today in regards to openly trans public figures. We do not live in the most tolerant of worlds.

[Blackscare]

It seems that you're trying to turn something that's clearly an emotional issue into an "identity". Do whatever you want, and if that makes you feel empowered so be it. I had a run like that for two years, but I didn't start thinking silly things like "what if I'm asexual", I realized that I (not you, don't know your reasons) was depressed and had issues with allowing someone to feel close to me/allowing myself to feel close to them.


If you had problems in your past, best look into them. When I stand on the edge of a dock and get really really fucking terrified I don't think "OMG I FEEL TERRIFIED BECAUSE MY COUSIN THREW A SHRIMP IN MY EYE WHEN I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD, LEADING ME TO FALL OFF THE DOCK AND CRACK MY HEAD! OH THE BLATANT AND EASILY IDENTIFIED HUMANITY!", I just get really scared. Likewise, while you may not "feel" that your apparently abundant and obviously linked past problems are related, that's because most people don't commonly perform real-time self-psychoanalysis.


I think that if you embrace this sort of thing as a lifestyle or identity, rather than an issue that can be solved, you're going to end up depriving yourself of a large part of life. Maybe Zeronowhere will set me straight, but I doubt it will be satisfactory. Anybody I've met that claimed to be asexual (and I've met a surprisingly high number of them) all struck me as rather silly and very obviously trying to hide behind that "identity" to avoid addressing real issues. Also, unsurprisingly, most of them went on to get partners.

[TC]

I think, first, no one is as horny in their late 20s and early 30s as they were when they were in their late teens and early 20s...to that extent its natural...

The more you have sex, the more you want to have sex often, and conversely, sex holds increasingly less appeal the more years go by without it. So that is also a natural response that will probably remain indefinitely stable if you don't want to do anything about it, but that you could probably change if you wanted to by resuming dating people who you actually find very attractive.

That said there are also about a million psychological and psychosocial reasons why you might have lost your libido. I think whether you feel alienated from yourself or in touch with yourself and your own body has a great affect on how interested you are in being intimate with other people - and feeling vulnerable makes intimacy less appealing, etc. Of course depression also ruins libido and anti-depressant medication does even moreso.

There are also, of course, physiologicalissues that can contribute to lack of sexual interest - there are many many many different hormonal disorders that can affect that sort of thing. You might try to get evaluated if you want to.

I think though the most important question is whether or not your lack of sexual interest bothers you or whether you're happy with it. If you're relieved and pleased by it, then why not just say you're asexual, regardless of the origin, regardless of the fact that you weren't always. If its distressing then I would see a physician and a psychologist.

[Ele'ill]

It seems that you're trying to turn something that's clearly an emotional issue into an "identity". Do whatever you want, and if that makes you feel empowered so be it. I had a run like that for two years, but I didn't start thinking silly things like "what if I'm asexual", I realized that I (not you, don't know your reasons) was depressed and had issues with allowing someone to feel close to me/allowing myself to feel close to them.


If you had problems in your past, best look into them. When I stand on the edge of a dock and get really really fucking terrified I don't think "OMG I FEEL TERRIFIED BECAUSE MY COUSIN THREW A SHRIMP IN MY EYE WHEN I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD, LEADING ME TO FALL OFF THE DOCK AND CRACK MY HEAD! OH THE BLATANT AND EASILY IDENTIFIED HUMANITY!", I just get really scared. Likewise, while you may not "feel" that your apparently abundant and obviously linked past problems are related, that's because most people don't commonly perform real-time self-psychoanalysis.


I think that if you embrace this sort of thing as a lifestyle or identity, rather than an issue that can be solved, you're going to end up depriving yourself of a large part of life. Maybe Zeronowhere will set me straight, but I doubt it will be satisfactory. Anybody I've met that claimed to be asexual (and I've met a surprisingly high number of them) all struck me as rather silly and very obviously trying to hide behind that "identity" to avoid addressing real issues. Also, unsurprisingly, most of them went on to get partners.

Thanks but bollocks. It's not an identity it's an explanation. When a male says "Hey, I like men, I think I'm homosexual" the response not usually tolerated is


I think that if you embrace this sort of thing as a lifestyle or identity, rather than an issue that can be solved

Sorry, fuck that. I'm looking for explanations and apparently what I've found is a valid one. What's the issue?

[Ele'ill]

I think though the most important question is whether or not your lack of sexual interest bothers you or whether you're happy with it. If you're relieved and pleased by it, then why not just say you're asexual, regardless of the origin, regardless of the fact that you weren't always. If its distressing then I would see a physician and a psychologist.

It's not distressing. There are pressures though but *some of us know why those exist.

[TC]

It seems that you're trying to turn something that's clearly an emotional issue into an "identity". Do whatever you want, and if that makes you feel empowered so be it. I had a run like that for two years, but I didn't start thinking silly things like "what if I'm asexual", I realized that I (not you, don't know your reasons) was depressed and had issues with allowing someone to feel close to me/allowing myself to feel close to them.


If you had problems in your past, best look into them. When I stand on the edge of a dock and get really really fucking terrified I don't think "OMG I FEEL TERRIFIED BECAUSE MY COUSIN THREW A SHRIMP IN MY EYE WHEN I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD, LEADING ME TO FALL OFF THE DOCK AND CRACK MY HEAD! OH THE BLATANT AND EASILY IDENTIFIED HUMANITY!", I just get really scared. Likewise, while you may not "feel" that your apparently abundant and obviously linked past problems are related, that's because most people don't commonly perform real-time self-psychoanalysis.


I think that if you embrace this sort of thing as a lifestyle or identity, rather than an issue that can be solved, you're going to end up depriving yourself of a large part of life. Maybe Zeronowhere will set me straight, but I doubt it will be satisfactory. Anybody I've met that claimed to be asexual (and I've met a surprisingly high number of them) all struck me as rather silly and very obviously trying to hide behind that "identity" to avoid addressing real issues. Also, unsurprisingly, most of them went on to get partners.

I think ridiculing someone who came here to discuss something very personal is totally inappropriate. This isn't OI Chit-Chat.

[TC]

It's not distressing. There are pressures though but *some of us know why those exist.

If its not a problem to you, then it shouldn't be problematized at all, it should just be seen as part of the range of human variation.

Out of curiosity, do asexual partnered relationships appeal (such as where someone is of socially recognized emotional/social primacy in your life, but without sex) or not?

[Tim Finnegan]

Anybody I've met that claimed to be asexual (and I've met a surprisingly high number of them) all struck me as rather silly and very obviously trying to hide behind that "identity" to avoid addressing real issues.
And a fair few people who identify as bisexual turn out not to be bisexual after all, but that doesn't somehow invalidate those people who really are bisexual. I believe that a similar logic applies here.


Also, unsurprisingly, most of them went on to get partners.
Asexual doesn't mean aromantic- or, for that matter, the reverse, as Mahatma Coat observed. Human beings are very complex little beasties.

[gorillafuck]

Sounds like you just don't have a libido, not that you're asexual. If you were asexual you wouldn't have ever had actual sexual interest in either sex, it's not something that just comes on. There are quite a few reasons why you might not have a libido anymore.

[Ele'ill]

Sounds like you just don't have a libido, not that you're asexual. If you were asexual you wouldn't have ever had actual sexual interest in either sex, it's not something that just comes on. There are quite a few reasons why you might not have a libido anymore.

The lengthy relationships were in a different part of my life- while physically I may 'perform' fine I found 'emotional distance' to be a part. Numerous partners commented on this. It gradually got to the point where it was obvious that I was physically fine just not in a position where I wanted to engage in sexual intimacy. It wasn't something I ever enjoyed fully.

[gorillafuck]

The lengthy relationships were in a different part of my life- while physically I may 'perform' fine I found 'emotional distance' to be a part. Numerous partners commented on this. It gradually got to the point where it was obvious that I was physically fine just not in a position where I wanted to engage in sexual intimacy. It wasn't something I ever enjoyed fully.Not having emotional connection isn't a part of asexuality, asexuality is primarily the sexual aspect.

Are you or were you able to be sexually turned on?

[PhoenixAsh]

I am a bit amazed by the passive agressive reactions here towards OP

[Ele'ill]

Not having emotional connection isn't a part of asexuality, asexuality is primarily the sexual aspect. Are you or were you able to be sexually turned on?

By physical contact, sure. I think that asexuality is a bit more than you think


Asexuality (sometimes referred to as nonsexuality[1][2][3]), in its broadest sense, is the lack of sexual attraction[4][5] and the lack of interest in and desire for sex.[6] Sometimes, it is considered a lack of a sexual orientation.[7] One commonly cited study placed the prevalence of asexuality at 1%.[8]
Asexuality is distinct from abstention from sexual activity and from celibacy, which are behavioral; the latter is usually for a religious reason.[9] A sexual orientation, unlike a behavior, is believed to be "enduring".[10][11] Some asexuals do have sex, despite lacking a desire for it.[12]

[Ele'ill]

Out of curiosity, do asexual partnered relationships appeal (such as where someone is of socially recognized emotional/social primacy in your life, but without sex) or not?

I think I value strong friendship- but perhaps I value polygamy (multiple partners)? Asexual, pan-romantic polygamy? I would never explain this to someone with those words but for sake of 'figuring out' and with definitions handy perhaps that's what applies.

[Summerspeaker]

People have awfully different definitions of the term. Folks I've done sexual things with have called me asexual. I guess in that case it means any sexuality outside of the accepted standard. Perhaps Foucault was right and we should discard the whole notion of sexuality in favor of bodies and pleasures.

[CleverTitle]

There's nothing worse than people brushing off someone's sexuality. I had a friend awhile back describe herself as asexual. Her family responded in the same way they likely would have if she said she was a lesbian: "It's just a phase." Bleh... At any rate, I'm not sure she would describe herself that way today, but I've got no doubt she was asexual at the time.

I guess I've always been of the opinion that sexuality (on all levels) is always in flux. The best we can do is try to find some clumsy terminology that fits our particular set of circumstances. If it feels like asexual fits, then you're asexual.

[Rjevan]

Is there something wrong with me?
I think the only person able to really answer this question is you. We can only "judge" from the outside and based on our concepts (with all their flaws and personal factors) of what a "normal" should be like. So prepare for some pseudo-psychology. :p

It doesn't sound like combative self-worth issues at all. As far as I can tell Nin's observation is correct. No matter how hard people with these issues try to ignore them and look for explanations, if they allow you to take a closer look at these excuses together with them almost every time it turns out that "deep inside" they always knew that these are just excuses they made up to rationalise their problems. It's pretty safe to say that somebody who rationalises his self-worth issues into asexuality would considerably suffer from 5 years without any intimacy because the suppressed desire still exists (even if less powerful).

Same for Blackscare's example for issues from the past, while he doesn't think about the events that lead to his fear he proved that he's perfectly aware of its origin. I have a very unique phobia, too, and though I certainly don't recall the event which led to it when I'm freaking out I've never had any doubt that it is the reason since the time it has happened. You mention past relationships but say that they suffered from the feelings about intimacy you now still have and that it doesn't feel like these experiences triggered them. Then probably they haven't.

To repeat what TC said: "I think though the most important question is whether or not your lack of sexual interest bothers you or whether you're happy with it."
If you suffer and feel miserable you should seek help. But the way you describe it the only bothersome aspect is pressure coming from others while you don't feel uncomfortable at all with your presumed asexuality and instead even enjoy it. What should be wrong with you then? We wouldn't force heterosexual relationships on homosexuals nor celibacy on people who are perfectly happy with their sex life. Whether you're asexual by a narrow definition or not doesn't matter, what matters is that you feel good and don't harm others or yourself by the way you live. If you feel uncomfortable with sexual intimacy and are genuinely happy and satisfied without it you should avoid it.

[Dr Mindbender]

Am I a class A muppet too?

Nope but Morissey is a colossal misanthrope. To me i'm not sure where to draw the line betweeen 'asexuality' as you put it, and misanthropia.

I don't know maybe its a cultural thing. I'm guessing you are American, right? You talk about disliking affection because you feel it invades your personal space. Here in the british isles we seem to have more stages of physical affection between friendship and love than they would do in america. Here, if someone hugs and kisses you it does not necessarilly equate to '' I want to have sex with you''.


An estimated 1% of the adult population (http://www.anonym.to/?http://articles.cnn.com/2004-10-14/tech/asexual.study_1_sexuality-new-study-new-scientist?_s=PM:TECH) are asexual.
Is this taking into account people without genetalia or those who enter celibacy through religious reasons?

[PhoenixAsh]

Celibacy is not classified as asexuality... Its kind of like how all rabbits are mammals but not all mammals are rabbits. So some people who enter celibacy are asexual...but not all people who enter celibacy are. They can not be simply equated.

Asexuality is not more prevalent in the US than in other parts of the world or time in history. It was for example first acknowledged in the muslim world that there are people who do not want or desire a sexual relationship at all. As far as I can remember its in the Koran.

Asexuality can be prevalent and persisting or it can be a phase which will go away.

Since sexuality is a huge part of human interaction people rarely understand why people are asexual, and as evident in this thread, usually is interpreted as something being wrong that needs fixing. Though there may always be deeper underlying reasons that may contribute to asexuality this may or may not be the case....and there really is not anytyhing to fix or wrong when the person him or herself has no problems with it.

[JustMovement]

I can only speak to you from my personal experience, but Ive gone through stretches of time (never 5 years though) where I felt no sexual attraction and intimacy annoyed me, however that was related to my psychological state. Do you have sexual thoughts, desires, dreams etc., when you are alone? Because I assume that would indicate that you are not asexual in an enduring sense (since you do desire sex in the abstract), but rather you have problem relating that desire to the people you meet. If on the other hand have 0 libido when you are alone, then I assume that would mean you are asexual. Anyways, take what I say with a large grain of salt, I can only talk to you from my own experiences.

[Decolonize The Left]

From the time I was about 17 until I was about 23-24 I've been involved in lengthy intimate relationships- before the age of 17 there were 'intimate' relationships although they were fleeting. I remember thinking about sex and having a partner at a very young age. Since the last relationship, I've enjoyed being single and enjoyed not engaging in any type of intimacy with anyone. That feeling of 'enjoyment from not being with anyone' is getting more solidified. Why? I almost feel like when being hit on, even in a polite/cute manner, that my personal space/world is being maliciously invaded. Given the past, it could be said that this all makes sense but I don't think it has much to do with my history because it doesn't feel like it does. Is there something wrong with me? I frequently find men and women attractive but I don't want anything to do with them. Combative self-worth issues? Asexuality? Stuff surfacing from the past? I have no idea.

In the first place, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you because you don't want an intimate relationship.

The most interesting sentence of the above quote is where you say that you feel as though your personal space is being "maliciously invaded" should you be 'hit on, even in a polite/cute manner.' This is troubling to me as it makes me believe that there is some history here - and maybe there is, or maybe I'm just not informed enough. If you'd like to share, this may be important.
But on the other hand, you say it doesn't feel that way so you're probably right. In this case I'd refer back to TC's excellent post as she notes a variety of reasons why you may be feeling the way you do.

- August

[Tim Finnegan]

Is this taking into account people without genetalia or those who enter celibacy through religious reasons?
I understand that the estimate given is based on reports of individual feelings of sexual attraction, rather than sexual behaviour, which was addressed in separate questions. As Mari3l said, just as some sexual people refrain from or are unable to engage in sexual intercourse, so some asexual people engage do in it, for whatever personal reasons may lead them to do so.

[Tablo]

I've been through the same thing you're talking about for a couple years. I don't think it is anything like being asexual.. it is just a lack of interest. For me I got out of a bad relationship and was just sick of all the bs. It has gotten to a point where I don't want any relationships and while I find people attractive still, I don't want to actually have anything to do with them, not even the one night stand type stuff. I don't know... I can't really be of much help, but I understand where you are coming from.

[Rjevan]

I just came across an article about asexuals in Germany where this group was mentioned. No idea if they are any good but their FAQ is interesting: http://www.asexuality.org/home/general.html

[Dr Mindbender]

Social behavioural tendencies can have very engrained cultural causes.

For example, the 'Otaku' is strictly a Japanese phenomenon among young men.

[caramelpence]

Social behavioural tendencies can have very engrained cultural causes.

For example, the 'Otaku' is strictly a Japanese phenomenon among young men.

No it's not.

[Bad Grrrl Agro]

Some people genuinely have no desire for sexual activity. Lucky them, I'm stuck with an annoyingsex drive lol. J/K I say if you don't desire sex then good for you.

[Agent Ducky]

I feel the same way except I've always been asexual. Everyone tells me that it's just cuz I'm young... Idk. Maybe. I have no problem with that, but some people have given me shit like I'm repressing myself and I'm "unnatural" (ironically enough the person who said this was bi, you'd think she'd be more understanding?) . I'm honestly not repressing anything. And there's the social pressure and shit where it's like, great, I'm gonna sit here awkwardly while my peers discuss how cute boys are. BLEH......

[-marx-]

Maybe it is temporary. It's been over five years.
Me too. I like being alone, and the thought of a companion "crowds my style".

People call me weird but I think its just a stage in my life that I need to be alone.

I'm still attracted to guys and girls, I just don't really want anything to do with any right now...or for the past 5 years or so.

In a way I think a 6 year relationship with an abusive girlfriend drained me and turned me off of relationships and sexuality in general. I was seeing the occasional guy but I don't even do that anymore.

[Delenda Carthago]

My dude dont sweat it, It can be from being anxious with all the crisis and all... I read the other day that young couples are doing 15% less sex because of the anxiety that crisis is bringing along. give it some time...

[Bright Banana Beard]

I don't have sex nor SO for a while, I wanted both of them and it is not easy to be single when you know you want a good time with SO.

[Ele'ill]

I have thought about this for a bit and It has less to do with not wanting to have intimate relationships and more to do with self worth issues but I believe they are genuine issues that I have. I am not mentally healthy enough to engage in relationships. I think I begin to distance myself from the idea of relationships as a defense. It has always been this way and it is a culmination of history and mental illness.

[PhoenixAsh]

I don't know about mental illness....if you have them or not I mean.

Selfworth issues are not in themselves a mental illness btw. though they can be negatively impacted by them or by other psychological problems.

You do raise a very good point. If you can not or have problems loving yourself then you can not love somebody else. Not because you can not have those feelings but because the relationship becomes unequal and you get your selfworth from the behaviour of the other person. Everythig in the relationship becomes a reflection about you being good enough or not good enough in your own mind.

And yes...the mind protects itself. So don't worry about it too much. Its something that will work itself out and its not because there is anything wrong with you.

Try to do the things you are good at. INteract with people who reflect on you positively and who give you positive feedback. Those things will help you find yourself back and helps you understand that whatever you think about yourself is only in your own mind.

This is incredibly easy to write. Its much, much harder to do or deal with. But it is true.

[Ele'ill]

I don't know about mental illness....if you have them or not I mean.

Selfworth issues are not in themselves a mental illness btw. though they can be negatively impacted by them or by other psychological problems.

I meant self worth issues and mental illness being separate.


You do raise a very good point. If you can not or have problems loving yourself then you can not love somebody else. Not because you can not have those feelings but because the relationship becomes unequal and you get your selfworth from the behaviour of the other person. Everythig in the relationship becomes a reflection about you being good enough or not good enough in your own mind.

Yes. I would attribute the self worth issues to mental illness but only in a reflective manner. The self worth issues are not the mental illness.


Its something that will work itself out and its not because there is anything wrong with you.

Thanks but it won't and there is.


Try to do the things you are good at. INteract with people who reflect on you positively and who give you positive feedback. Those things will help you find yourself back and helps you understand that whatever you think about yourself is only in your own mind.

Those people are rare to the world and things are kinda really bad right now.

[Tablo]

You do raise a very good point. If you can not or have problems loving yourself then you can not love somebody else. Not because you can not have those feelings but because the relationship becomes unequal and you get your selfworth from the behaviour of the other person. Everythig in the relationship becomes a reflection about you being good enough or not good enough in your own mind.
All of this, especially the bolded part really describe me and the way my relationships have always worked...

[Salyut]

I meant self worth issues and mental illness being separate.



Yes. I would attribute the self worth issues to mental illness but only in a reflective manner. The self worth issues are not the mental illness.



Thanks but it won't and there is.


Have you tried therapy? I'm not a big fan of CBT* but it might be worth a shot in your case.

*I'm now aware of the cognitive distortions - but its like I'm incapable of dismissing them. Maybe I'm just a exception. :bored:

[praxis1966]

Have you tried therapy? I'm not a big fan of CBT* but it might be worth a shot in your case.

*I'm now aware of the cognitive distortions - but its like I'm incapable of dismissing them. Maybe I'm just a exception. :bored:

I think just about everybody on this board needs therapy for one thing or another (myself included) lol, but asexuality isn't one of those things. I can only guess at how confusing this must be for Mari3l, but I would imagine that it'll work itself out on it's own sooner or later.*

*Note: I'm not saying it's a phase, I'm just saying that you [Mari3l] seem a smart enough person that you don't really need a therapist's help with this... Besides, it's not like there's something "wrong" with you that you need a therapist's help to "fix."

[Salyut]

I think just about everybody on this board needs therapy for one thing or another (myself included) lol, but asexuality isn't one of those things.


I didn't mean the sexuality stuff; was thinking about the whole self-worth thing. That shit is hard to manage on your own. :(

[praxis1966]

I didn't mean the sexuality stuff; was thinking about the whole self-worth thing. That shit is hard to manage on your own. :(

For damned sure... I struggle with it myself.

[Revy]

Sometimes I feel society's obsession with sex devalues many people as they have to measure up to certain standards of what is sexy or highly aesthetic beauty. I myself have been hesitant to date anyone because of my own insecurities but I would still like the connection of a romantic partner.

I'm not asexual. Just thought it was relevant though.

[punisa]

There is nothing wrong with you Mari3L and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Sex has become so mainstream that some people simply prefer not to engage in it.
For example, I love sex - but I simply can't perform if there are not some special feeling engaged :)
I fall in love like crazy very easily and then sex becomes just one of the thing I like to do with that person.
But I'm not frustrated if we don't screw on the second date.

There are some "forces" (propaganda) at work which basically dumbs down human relationship to merely sex. I'm not saying that people should not behave like this, I'm just saying that it does not work for me and in a way turns me off...

Btw, this might be too intimate question Mari3L, you don't need to respond if you don't want to, but do you engage in masturbation?

[The Intransigent Faction]

Have you tried therapy? I'm not a big fan of CBT* but it might be worth a shot in your case.

*I'm now aware of the cognitive distortions - but its like I'm incapable of dismissing them. Maybe I'm just a exception. :bored:

I know the feeling, I think...I took CBT and it seemed really effective for a while, but some days you just lack the willpower to correct obsessive-compulsive habits.