Jimmie Higgins
6th May 2011, 03:14
Ok, since everyone is speculating about the "real story" of Bin Laden's assassination, here's my silly explanation for all the inconsistencies and vagueness in the US account and what I think reeeeleey happened...
1. So the US did find Bin Lauden's hang out - I don't think they knew where it was before then, this was their first chance to get him.
2. The operative burst in on OBL and he's in bed, frail and weak with some supporters. The US forces yell a bunch of stuff all in English and order people around and OBL puts his hands up and says to his wife, "well I didn't think I'd be able to hide out this long, I guess it had to happen".
3. The US soldiers detain OBL and the officer on the ground for the mission is radioed once they have cleared the compound. The officer comes in, finds his men with the detained Bin Laden and then dresses down the soldiers: "We can't have this! What's he still doing alive? Are you men mentally deficient? Do you have the capacity to remember the weeks of training exercises? Here's a reminder: we come in, Obama tries to run and put the somma***** down to the goddamn ground!"
A solder replies, "Sir, he was in bed, he was too frail and weak to resist, Sir"
The officer yells at them some more and explains that the US government doesn't want to waste time on a trial, doesn't want this terrorist to have a platform to say, "Hated your what? Your freedoms?! What kind of bull-crap is that? Man, if my old friend Bill from the CIA could hear this he'd be laughing..."
4. The officer leaves the room and the soldiers complete their mission... only they've been so inspired by the officer, that they go overboard. First they take turns shooting OBL in the face, then they deficate on him and use a holy book to cop off his head and limbs and then they light the body on fire and take turns masterbating on it whilst chanting "U-S-A, U-S-A!".
5. The officer comes back in the room after hearing the chanting. "What the fuck is all you doing!" he yells, "I said put the mother down to the ground, don't till him into the god-damned soil! We need that body for propaganda reasons! Now how the hell are we going to convince people that we have the right to sneak into other countries and conduct military operations? Now whattarwe gonna do!?"
A soldier holds up a hand, "ooh, I know sir, we could dump the body into the ocean"
"But why would we do that, people are going to ask questions, this isn't like killing and dumping civilians into the Ocean - people are going to notice." said the officer.
"Um... we accidentlly dumped his body into the ocean." said another soldier.
"Not good enough" snapped the officer.
"Um, Sir, couldn't we say on account of... because of, um, Muslim... stuff?"
"Yeah, good work" said the officer, "we can tell the press that we destroyed the body and masturbated on it before dumping it into the ocean because of an ancient Muslim ritual. That'll work! Ok, men, we have a plan, let's get to it!"
Scene.
1. So the US did find Bin Lauden's hang out - I don't think they knew where it was before then, this was their first chance to get him.
2. The operative burst in on OBL and he's in bed, frail and weak with some supporters. The US forces yell a bunch of stuff all in English and order people around and OBL puts his hands up and says to his wife, "well I didn't think I'd be able to hide out this long, I guess it had to happen".
3. The US soldiers detain OBL and the officer on the ground for the mission is radioed once they have cleared the compound. The officer comes in, finds his men with the detained Bin Laden and then dresses down the soldiers: "We can't have this! What's he still doing alive? Are you men mentally deficient? Do you have the capacity to remember the weeks of training exercises? Here's a reminder: we come in, Obama tries to run and put the somma***** down to the goddamn ground!"
A solder replies, "Sir, he was in bed, he was too frail and weak to resist, Sir"
The officer yells at them some more and explains that the US government doesn't want to waste time on a trial, doesn't want this terrorist to have a platform to say, "Hated your what? Your freedoms?! What kind of bull-crap is that? Man, if my old friend Bill from the CIA could hear this he'd be laughing..."
4. The officer leaves the room and the soldiers complete their mission... only they've been so inspired by the officer, that they go overboard. First they take turns shooting OBL in the face, then they deficate on him and use a holy book to cop off his head and limbs and then they light the body on fire and take turns masterbating on it whilst chanting "U-S-A, U-S-A!".
5. The officer comes back in the room after hearing the chanting. "What the fuck is all you doing!" he yells, "I said put the mother down to the ground, don't till him into the god-damned soil! We need that body for propaganda reasons! Now how the hell are we going to convince people that we have the right to sneak into other countries and conduct military operations? Now whattarwe gonna do!?"
A soldier holds up a hand, "ooh, I know sir, we could dump the body into the ocean"
"But why would we do that, people are going to ask questions, this isn't like killing and dumping civilians into the Ocean - people are going to notice." said the officer.
"Um... we accidentlly dumped his body into the ocean." said another soldier.
"Not good enough" snapped the officer.
"Um, Sir, couldn't we say on account of... because of, um, Muslim... stuff?"
"Yeah, good work" said the officer, "we can tell the press that we destroyed the body and masturbated on it before dumping it into the ocean because of an ancient Muslim ritual. That'll work! Ok, men, we have a plan, let's get to it!"
Scene.