advice for helping someone struggling with their sexual identity

[Manic Impressive]

A good friends little brother has started wearing women's clothes in secret. His family don't know how to deal with it and have swept it under the carpet and have not spoken to him about it. His brother has asked me to talk to him but to be honest i'm just as clueless as his family are in what to say. I don't think treating it like a secret or something to be ashamed about is going to be good for him, so if anyone who has been through a similar thing has any advice or information for him or his family or any advice for me on what to say I'd appreciate it.

[Revolutionair]

I have no idea what you should do to be honest. But it might help if you would give the age of the person you are talking about.

Also it might just be a curiosity thing rather than a real confusion about sexual identity.

I realize I am not that useful, but I am just trying to help.

[Sasha]

your from the US right
PFLAG is an support network for family of GLBT kids: http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2
they have an special transgender section: http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=380
some articles from them u might find usefull: http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=700

from the links section on their site:

http://community.pflag.org/view.image?Id=2035 (http://community.pflag.org/Document.Doc?id=202)

Welcoming Our Trans Families and Friends (http://community.pflag.org/Document.Doc?id=202)
Download this free guide (PDF) to get the basics on what being transgender means, how to talk about it, and how to find the resources that can support you.



PFLAG TNET – The Transgender Network (http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=380)
TNET is an affiliate of PFLAG created to provide support to trans, gender-variant, and genderqueer people in communities across the country through PFLAG chapters. Learn more here.


Find a PFLAG Chapter
(http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=803)There are more than 250 PFLAG chapters across the U.S. Find one near you right now.

http://community.pflag.org/view.image?Id=2034


Trans Youth Family Allies (TYFA) (http://www.imatyfa.org/foryouth/)
TYFA provides resources to transgender and gender variant youth and their families. TYFA envisions a society free of suicide and violence in which all children are respected and celebrated.


Trans Youth Resources (http://www.transyouth.com/)
This website was created to link trans youth and the people in their lives with current resources.

Trans Youth Support Network (http://www.transyouthsupportnetwork.blogspot.com/)
The Trans Youth Support Network is a partnership of youth and community members working together to support trans youth in Minnesota, but offering great resources for youth everywhere.


Mermaids (http://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/)
A UK-based support group offering support and resources for gender-variant children, teens, and their families.



Beyond the Binary: A Tool Kit for Gender Identity Activism in Schools (http://transgenderlawcenter.org/pdf/beyond_the_binary.pdf)
The Beyond the Binary tool kit (created by the Transgender Law Center) was designed for student leaders, activists, and gender non-conformers who want to challenge the gender binary system in schools by ensuring gender-inclusive policies exist in schools and by raising awareness about gender through education of students and staff about gender non-conformity and transgender issues.



Bending the Mold: An Action Kit for Transgender Students (http://www.lambdalegal.org/publications/bending-the-mold/order-bending-the-mold.html)
Whether you’re transgender or gender non-conforming, questioning, or an ally, this kit – developed by Lambda Legal and NYAC – is designed to help you make your school a safer place. They include ideas and information to help you advocate for change. There’s also an extensive list of resources to help you connect with the transgender community and find support.



Camp Aranu'tiq (http://www.camparanutiq.org/home.html)
The Camp Aranu'tiq mission is to provide transgender and gender-variant youth with a safe, fun, and unique camp experience during which they are able to express gender however they are comfortable and connect with others in similar situations.It is a federally recognized, tax-exempt, nonprofit organization. It is 100% volunteer-run. It was born out of the idea that transgender and gender-variant youth needed a safe place to relate to others like them, away from home, in a beautiful rural setting where they can concentrate on what every camper loves: having fun.

http://community.pflag.org/view.image?Id=2033


Trans Youth Family Allies (TYFA) (http://imatyfa.org/)
TYFA works to empower children and familiesby partnering with educators, service providers and communities, to develop supportive environments in which gender may be expressed and respected. They envision a society free of suicide and violence in which all children are respected and celebrated.



Gender Spectrum (http://www.genderspectrum.org/)
Raising children who don’t fit neatly into male or female boxes brings a wealth of questions and uncertainties. Here you will find information and support to assist you in your search for answers.




TransActive (http://www.transactiveonline.org/)
TransActive works to provide the necessary support to improve the quality of life of transgender and gender non-conforming children, youth and their families through education, services, advocacy and research.



Trans Youth Equality Foundation (http://www.transyouthequality.org/index.html)
The Trans Youth Equality Foundation is based in Maine, but offers education, advocacy and support for transgender and gender non-conforming children and youth and their families everywhere by sharing information about the unique needs of this community and partnering with families, educators and service providers to help foster a healthy, caring, and safe environment for all transgender children.



Families in TRANSition: A Resource Guide for Parents of Trans Youth (http://www.ctys.org/about_CTYS/FamiliesInTransition.htm)
Families in TRANSition: A Resource Guide for Parents of Trans Youth is the first comprehensive Canadian publication (created by Central Toronto Youth Services) to address the needs of parents and families supporting their trans children. It summarizes the experiences, strategies, and successes of a working group of community consultants – researchers, counselors, parents, advocates as well as trans youth themselves.



Working with Transgender Youth (Lambda Legal & Child Welfare League of America) (http://data.lambdalegal.org/publications/downloads/gdtb_working-with-transgender-youth.pdf)
Like all young people in care, transgender youth are entitled to bias-free attention to their unique needs and to be safe in their placements and services. This guide, created by Lambda Legal and the Child Welfare League of America, provides child welfare professionals who work with transgender young people with education about transgender issues and tools to help prepare them to work sensitively with these clients.

http://community.pflag.org/view.image?Id=2036


TYFA Media Collection
(http://imatyfa.org/mediacoverage/index.html)Find out about the work TYFA and advocates of trans youth are doing through media reports.



Gender in the News (from Gender Spectrum)
(http://genderspectrum.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=52&Itemid=25)Get access to a collection of articles, websites, and multimedia resources of stories regarding gender and gender identity.



Hennepin County Library Book Lists (http://www.hclib.org/pub/bookspace/myBooklists/ShowList.cfm?ListID=2252)
Hennepin County’s self-identified “trans library geek” offers recommendations of some books that trans youth may find interesting, comforting, and affirming. Many of these books can be found in libraries and available for purchase online.

[Manic Impressive]

I'm from the UK but thanks so much Psycho that looks really useful

Revolutionair you're right I should have given more details he's 15 and it was first discovered about 18 months ago since then he's been "caught" a few times and has been hoarding womens clothes in his bedroom.

[Sasha]

in that case: http://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/New%20Mermaids/links.htm

[Sasha]

Revolutionair you're right I should have given more details he's 15 and it was first discovered about 18 months ago since then he's been "caught" a few times and has been hoarding womens clothes in his bedroom.

one thing thats going to be really helpfull to find out for him is whether its an fetish or he is trans.
it would suck if you go into fullscale trans support and it turns out this isnt about gender but sexuality, this could make him even more confused.
so this would be an good thing to have an, completly non-judgemental talk about.
present it like that: "hey i want to help out, but i dont want to row you up the wrong creek, if your just into drag i'm totally o.k. with that, hell ill take you clubbing in an safe place, maybe another town and i'll watch your back, that is if you feel like it, that might be more comfertable than with your brother in your own town. But if your trans, if you feel born in the wrong gender you are going to need some more help, both you and your family, maybe more help i can give you but luckily there are a ton of great support groups and recources out there. If you dont know yet, feel free to take me up on my first offer while you think about it."

its good he is finding this out now, that he is already clearly bussy with it, because he is trully trans he might want to start hormone treatment as fast as is possible/when he turns 18, if he waits till he is fully developed its going to be way more difficult to pass later.

[Bitter Ashes]

Psycho's hit the nail on the head tbh. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a lot of depression involved too with all this stuff being repressed, so Samaritans and maybe even Childline might be an idea so that they have somebody to talk to who won't go through the trans bingo card (http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/26/1019147/TransBingoCredit.jpg)with them. Biggest thing is just to be supportative and understanding and make sure that they understand that you'll respect them exactly the same no matter what they do. :)

[jake williams]

Men (and boys) where women's clothes for all sorts of different reasons. It could be a gender thing, it could be a sex thing, it's really hard for you to say and it's almost impossible for any of us to say.

It's also difficult for us to say what you can or should do. Does the kid trust you? Do you ever talk about sex, even in passing?

[Manic Impressive]

I've known him since he was a baby, I'm a close family friend so yeah there's trust but I'm still not very confident about talking to him. I doubt it's an easy thing to talk to anyone about and I suspect he'll be extremely embarrassed and may not want to open up. I think it's quite possible that he's not transgender, he's not especially effeminate but then the only trans woman I've known wasn't effeminate either. Sorry if I screwed up the title of the thread I didn't mean to say that I thought he definitely was transgender thats why I put sexual identity instead of gender identity. I'm going to call the organization which Psycho linked and get some advice from them and just try and learn a bit more about what he's going through transgender or not because I'm so fucking clueless I'm afraid I'll fuck it up.
He does definetly need to talk to someone about it right?

[jake williams]

He does definetly need to talk to someone about it right?
He needs to know there's someone he trusts who he can talk to if he wants to. It's also his right to keep this private, and that's not in and of itself harmful.

[Moopy]

If you are real close to him, have him confide in you. Opening up will make him feel better.

[progressive_lefty]

I think maybe you should see a councilor or maybe try and get this person to see a councilor. I remembering reading of a famous person who struggled with being gay when he was young. Apparently it all changed when he went to see a psychologist/councilor that said to embrace his homosexuality and the fact that many notable people are gay.