Advice regarding an abusive relationship.

[Admiral Swagmeister G-Funk]

Someone very close to me is in a relationship with a man who is psychologically and physically abusive towards her. I have seen the abuse first hand and been a victim of it, which has led to a lot of anger and resentment.

Me and others are, naturally, trying to persuade the victim to get the hell out of there. She doesn't want to do this, seeing as apparent mental health issues are behind the behaviour, and she feels obliged to help out. Is this right? Surely if someone is in a relationship with a man who is a danger to others, shouldn't they actually be separated?

Its tearing people apart and emotions are high, its difficult to view this rationally. I can't think of any alternative other than for her to get out of there - if the man is indeed suffering from mental health problems that render him dangerous, my view is that he should be taken into some kind of professional environment with the intent of stabilizing and rehabilitating him. Is it wrong for me to assume this position? Should I be content with her wishes to pursue the relationship, even though the man is a danger to her as well as others?

Thoughts would be appreciated, its a difficult situation. Feels kind of weird asking about it on a forum, but there are intelligent people here and some may have gone through similar problems.

[Goatpie]

Have you tried sitting down with this man all together? Try to get him to realize this is tearing everyone apart and see how he feels about this if he really cares for her he will seek help himself if not she might even open her eyes and leave him. He needs help but e needs to help himself as well.
Best of luck.

[Admiral Swagmeister G-Funk]

Have you tried sitting down with this man all together? Try to get him to realize this is tearing everyone apart and see how he feels about this if he really cares for her he will seek help himself if not she might even open her eyes and leave him. He needs help but e needs to help himself as well.
Best of luck.
Its been going on for a good few years, with lots of talk about 'changing' and 'getting help. I'd describe him as a sociopath who's exploitative, manipulative and parasitic - it seems to have gone beyond the point of rational discussion. Thanks for the thought though.

[Sasha]

there is no point in talking to a abuser, your friend needs to DTMFA.
safehouses, hospitals and graveyards are full with women who stayed "to help" their abusive partners.
if he has mental problems he needs profesional help, if he refuses to get it she needs out asap
if he doesnt have mental problems he is an bastard and she needs to get out yesterday
the only way she is going to help him is by getting the fuck out. either it will be an wake up call for him and get some help, or there was no point in trying to help him to begin with.
you need to be there for her, you need to express understanding but you shouldnt accept her abusee behavior.
and if she doesnt want to deal with it and you think the threat to her is severe enough you need to step to the plate. explain to her that if she doesnt get out you are going to bring in the authorities, but make it clear this is because you fear for her life. that if she gets out you and your friends will shelter her, that you all will help her moving her stuff out in a day he isnt home etc etc
and get her in touch with an professional as soon as possible: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/, http://www.refuge.org.uk/, http://www.ncdv.org.uk/

[Admiral Swagmeister G-Funk]

there is no point in talking to a abuser, your friend needs to DTMFA.
safehouses, hospitals and graveyards are full with women who stayed "to help" their abusive partners.
if he has mental problems he needs profesional help, if he refuses to get it she needs out asap
if he doesnt have mental problems he is an bastard and she needs to get out yesterday
the only way she is going to help him is by getting the fuck out. either it will be an wake up call for him and get some help, or there was no point in trying to help him to begin with.
you need to be there for her, you need to express understanding but you shouldnt accept her abusee behavior.
and if she doesnt want to deal with it and you think the threat to her is severe enough you need to step to the plate. explain to her that if she doesnt get out you are going to bring in the authorities, but make it clear this is because you fear for her life. that if she gets out you and your friends will shelter her, that you all will help her moving her stuff out in a day he isnt home etc etc
and get her in touch with an professional as soon as possible: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/, http://www.refuge.org.uk/, http://www.ncdv.org.uk/
This is pretty much how I see it too, part of me even thinks the whole 'mental health' thing is a part of his parasitic behaviour and a way to control the woman into staying there. The most difficult thing is that the house is rented in her name, the man isn't even a tenant.

I guess I'll have to call the authorities myself, he's not gonna move any other way. Thanks for the reply.

[Fulanito de Tal]

From your description, it seems that the current situation is not acceptable. Both people need to get professional help.

There should be assistance for both of them in their area. Try calling a local human services agency, telling them the situation, and get some guidance and a referral to the appropriate agency.

[Sasha]

here is a good guide for friends and family to help abuse victims:

http://refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-a-friend-or-family-member/

[Kronsteen]

I can only speak from experience, not theory, as I was in an abusive relationship for several years.

The abuser will never think of themselves as abusive. In fact, they'll probably view themselves as either the victim of their partner's stupidity, or the heroic one who's keeping a flaky partner together. Abusers are supremely good at rationalisation, so talking with them simply doesn't work.

As regards the victim, she presumably thinks she can cure the abuser's mental health issues with sweet reason and TLC. That simply does not work. Even if on some level she really does love him (as opposed to just persuading herself she does) she is really just enabling and encouraging the abuser's problems by staying.

As for how you get her to leave, I don't know. My suspicion is that if you try to reason her into leaving, she'll just find excuses to 'give it one more try'. She'll only leave when she decides to, so I think the thing to do is give her all the support and pressureless friendship you can - so she'll have the space the rediscover her own independence.

[Decolonize The Left]

This is pretty much how I see it too, part of me even thinks the whole 'mental health' thing is a part of his parasitic behaviour and a way to control the woman into staying there. The most difficult thing is that the house is rented in her name, the man isn't even a tenant.

I guess I'll have to call the authorities myself, he's not gonna move any other way. Thanks for the reply.

Psycho is absolutely correct.

The first step is to contact the appropriate authorities. You may need to do this as she does not seem capable of doing so on her own.
You will then need to inform her of your actions, and help her cope with the change. You, and your other mutual friends, are going to be her support network when this happens, and there is a lot of responsibility in this position which you will need to hold. Be confident and strong as you have done the right thing.

- August

[Manic Impressive]

Contacting the authorities on her behalf can seriously backfire if she's not ready to do it herself. She may resent you for it and reject the help offered by authorities. Advise and encourage her to do it herself and if she asks you to do it for her then do it but ultimately it has to be her decision or it can end up isolating her more than she probably already feels.

[IndependentCitizen]

If I'm honest, I'd actually just use the state. Encourage your friend that she should approach the police. If the boyfriend sees, or hears this, this could immediately make him see what he's done, but also ensure she doesn't go back to a place he can have access to for security reasons.

There's nothing wrong about saying he may need rehabilitation and the help, because it shows you understand if there's mental health problems, he requires help, and not complete isolation.

[Anarchist Skinhead]

err... unfortunately the Plod will most likely do sweet fuck all. I know because there had been a case of them "dealing" with a case of sexual abuse of a kid in relationship (of somebody close to us) and they have done pretty much fuck all.

Offer your friend support, keep convincing her to leave her abusive partner and most of all make sure when she does that she can be defended against him.

Bit of a kicking on thw side wouldnt hurt, but she needs to be convinced first that the guy needs to be out of her life. Difficult situation.

[jake williams]

You're going to have to decide how/whether this fits into your own situation, but I think it can be important to make it clear that she has a right to care about him, but can't help him. If it is mental illness, then at least partly, what he does isn't his fault, but that doesn't mean she should be in the relationship (she shouldn't).

[Ele'ill]

I wouldn't call the police but sound advice otherwise.

[Sasha]

point is that if you dont make an report with the cops, she doesnt build up file wich means its harder to get an restraining order or emergency shelter when the shit really hits the fan (let alone if you do end up giving him an kicking it will help you when you end up in court over it).

[Ele'ill]

Ok but my personal experience is that when the police get involved it can make things a lot worse for both.

[southernmissfan]

Ok but my personal experience is that when the police get involved it can make things a lot worse for both.

My personal experience reflects that as well. My ex-wife was unstable and both emotionally and physically abusive, threatening to hit her child and treating him extremely rough, pulling a knife on me, hitting me and attempting to choke me, etc. Well being young and naive I decided to call the cops next time she flipped out on us. Well despite me being the one who called, despite it taking three phone calls because she kept attacking me trying to get at the phone, and despite her having not a mark on her and me bleeding, we were both arrested. Spent 12 hours in jail and spent over a thousand dollars to clear my name of a domestic violence charge.

Granted, this is from a male perspective where domestic violence issues are different. But my story isn't too uncommon, from males or females. I would talk to and seek advice from professionals before approaching the police.

[Ele'ill]

My personal experience reflects that as well. My ex-wife was unstable and both emotionally and physically abusive, threatening to hit her child and treating him extremely rough, pulling a knife on me, hitting me and attempting to choke me, etc. Well being young and naive I decided to call the cops next time she flipped out on us. Well despite me being the one who called, despite it taking three phone calls because she kept attacking me trying to get at the phone, and despite her having not a mark on her and me bleeding, we were both arrested. Spent 12 hours in jail and spent over a thousand dollars to clear my name of a domestic violence charge.

I've had that exact experience but was not directly involved.


Granted, this is from a male perspective where domestic violence issues are different. But my story isn't too uncommon, from males or females. I would talk to and seek advice from professionals before approaching the police.

There isn't anything the police can do that friends and family cannot.

[PhoenixAsh]

If you are going to get directly involved, which IMO you should (but its easy from this side of the screen), be sure that you have evaluated the situation correctly and are yourself absolutely convinced that you are doing the right thing no matter what follows. If that is the case....do what needs to be done.

So...be prepared to value her more than you value her friendship. What I mean is...that when you do get involved...do not be surprised, resentful or angry when the friendship between you and her ends....do not expect thanks or gratitude...most likely you will not get it.

[PhoenixAsh]

My personal experience reflects that as well. My ex-wife was unstable and both emotionally and physically abusive, threatening to hit her child and treating him extremely rough, pulling a knife on me, hitting me and attempting to choke me, etc. Well being young and naive I decided to call the cops next time she flipped out on us. Well despite me being the one who called, despite it taking three phone calls because she kept attacking me trying to get at the phone, and despite her having not a mark on her and me bleeding, we were both arrested. Spent 12 hours in jail and spent over a thousand dollars to clear my name of a domestic violence charge.

Granted, this is from a male perspective where domestic violence issues are different. But my story isn't too uncommon, from males or females. I would talk to and seek advice from professionals before approaching the police.

This exact same thing happened to me too (except for the kid and the money). Police is always going to assume:

1). the man did something to either deserve it or cause it.
2). men can not be victims
3). women are always the innocent victims.

That is perhaps often the case...but hell...

It did not help I was twice as big as her either.

It took two incidents like that for me to give up and seek help elsewhere.