Soviet Union Jokes

[Tommy4ever]

I need some jokes about the early Soviet Union (1920s and 1930s). They don't need to be written by Soviet people or be written at the time. They just need to be funny.

Any other Commie jokes would also work. :D

[Fulanito de Tal]

There was a Soviet airplane that needed to carry more cargo weight than it what designed for. The head engineer of the program asked a few top engineers to find a solution to the problem. The engineers quickly went to the airplane and began to drill holes in the wings. The head engineer what shocked and angrily asked the other engineers to explain what they were doing. One of the engineers replied,"Hey boss, the thing is that we are trying to imitate another design. We all have toilet paper at home that perforations on it and the paper never tears there. We thought we could apply that method to the wings so they wouldn't tear either."


The joke is making fun of the quality of basic commodities in the Soviet Union.

[Sasha]

more stalin jokes http://www.st-andrews.ac.uk/~pv/courses/sovrus/jokes.html

[Princess Luna]

In Soviet Russia you don't catch Pokemon , Pokemon catch you!
In Soviet Russia you don't jump rope, rope jumps you!
In Soviet Russia you don't drive car, car drives you!
In Soviet Russia you don't watch TV, TV watches you
In Soviet Russia you don't make jokes about Soviet Russia, Soviet Russia makes jokes about you
In Soviet Russia you don't (insert some form of action) , Soviet Russia (Insert reverse of the first action) you!

[Sentinel]

I've told this one in Chit Chat before but here goes. Kennedy was visiting Moscow and remarked to Khrushchev about there being a lot of drunken people on the streets. Khrushchev said, well I doubt it's much better in the US.

Kennedy then told him that the next time he comes to Washington he may shoot any drunk he sees on the streets right away. Well, Khrushchev eventually comes to the US, and having barely left the diplomat quarters he sees this guy who is totally shitfaced.

He pulls his pistol and shoots the man, as per permission from the President. Next day the newspaper headline reads: 'Baldheaded Gangster Shot The Soviet Ambassador!'

[ColonelCossack]

in soviet russia we make jokes about west... oh wait that was shit.:mad:

[ColonelCossack]

[QUOTE=Karmorda;2021851]In Soviet Russia you don't watch TV, TV watches you![QUOTE=Karmorda;2021851]

is that a reference to george orwell's 1984?





wait WTF the quoye thingy went weird... oh well.

[Pretty Flaco]

I've told this one in Chit Chat before but here goes. Kennedy was visiting Moscow and remarked to Khrushchev about there being a lot of drunken people on the streets. Khrushchev said, well I doubt it's much better in the US.

Kennedy then told him that the next time he comes to Washington he may shoot any drunk he sees on the streets right away. Well, Khrushchev eventually comes to the US, and having barely left the diplomat quarters he sees this guy who is totally shitfaced.

He pulls his pistol and shoots the man, as per permission from the President. Next day the newspaper headline reads: 'Baldheaded Gangster Shot The Soviet Ambassador!'

I actually chuckled at this one. :lol:

[Fulanito de Tal]

The US and the USSR were arguing over which country provided its citizen more civil liberties. The US said, "In the United States, people can stand in front of the White House, our head of state, and yell, 'I hate the US!'" To which the USSR replied, "You can do that in the USSR too! We actually encourage it. We would be absolutely thrilled if someone stood outside of the Kremlin, our head of state, and yell, 'I hate the US!'"

[Red Commissar]

As the post-Soviet (not ex-CSSR) joke goes, what did capitalism do in 20 years that (state)socialism was not able to do in 70? Make socialism look good.

Taken from another thread.

[Q]

Many jokes here (http://www.revleft.com/vb/communist-jokesi-t135822/index.html?t=135822).

[ComradeOm]

Three of my favourites:

Q: What were Mayakovsky's last words before he commited suicide?
A: Comrades, don't shoot!

Three Russian prisoners sit around a fire in the Gulag. The first one says that he was arrested because, "I was five minutes late for work, and they charged me with sabotage." Then they ask the second prisoner what he's in for. "I was five minutes early for work, and they charged me with espionage." Then the third prisoner adds glumly, "That's nothing. I was never early and never late for work. I was always right on time." Then why are you here?, they ask. "They found out I have a Western watch."

A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "Oh, the KGB has arrested them!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, well, they decided to let you go. Comrade Major liked your tea gag a lot."

[Q]

Three of my favourites:

Q: What were Mayakovsky's last words before he commited suicide?
A: Comrades, don't shoot!
:D

[Princess Luna]

In Soviet Russia you don't watch TV, TV watches you!

is that a reference to george orwell's 1984?

actually I think it was the original "in Soviet Russia....." joke

[Q]

Trotskyism - Splitting atoms since 1938

[Bright Banana Beard]

What did trotsky said in his deathbed? Shit......
One person thought he said split. And the debate continues....

[praxis1966]

actually I think it was the original "in Soviet Russia....." joke

It was one of them. Pretty much all these jokes date back Yakov Smirnoff as far as I know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHytMscB81M

[Princess Luna]

It was one of them. Pretty much all these jokes date back Yakov Smirnoff as far as I know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHytMscB81M
really? i heard the joke from cold war propaganda against the Soviet Union

[RedStarOverChina]

Three of my favourites:

Q: What were Mayakovsky's last words before he commited suicide?
A: Comrades, don't shoot!

Vladmir Mayakovsky? What's implied here? That he was actually assassinated?

[ComradeOm]

Vladmir Mayakovsky? What's implied here? That he was actually assassinated?Yes. The rumours are probably false but, as the joke suggests, became common almost immediately after his death

[praxis1966]

really? i heard the joke from cold war propaganda against the Soviet Union

Which Smirnoff, dating back to the late 70s, made an entire career out of. Maybe he didn't invent them, but he certainly popularized them.

[Rusty Shackleford]

Trotskyism - Splitting atoms since 1938
:lol:

[gorillafuck]

I've told this one in Chit Chat before but here goes. Kennedy was visiting Moscow and remarked to Khrushchev about there being a lot of drunken people on the streets. Khrushchev said, well I doubt it's much better in the US.

Kennedy then told him that the next time he comes to Washington he may shoot any drunk he sees on the streets right away. Well, Khrushchev eventually comes to the US, and having barely left the diplomat quarters he sees this guy who is totally shitfaced.

He pulls his pistol and shoots the man, as per permission from the President. Next day the newspaper headline reads: 'Baldheaded Gangster Shot The Soviet Ambassador!'I didn;t think anything here would make me laugh but you have proven me wrong.

[Forward Union]

In capitalist west, banks rob you!

[Devrim]

It is 1928, and the tractor factory in a small near Moscow town has just had a new chairman of the Soviet appointed.

He feels a bit nervous as he goes to address the workers on at the first mass meeting, and self consciously he starts "Comrade workers in ten years time, every single one of you will have their own radio". The workers burst into loud applause, and he feels his nerves begin to settle. "Comrade workers in twenty years time, every single one of you will have their own car". This goes down even better than his first statement and the applause is ecstatic. He decides to take it on step further. "Comrade workers in thirty years time, every single one of you will have their own private airplane". This leave the workers a bit non-plussed. There is no applause whatsoever.

Finally an old mechanic stands up and asks "But comrade Chairman, why will every worker need their own private airplane*" to which the chairman replies "Well, when you hear they have sausages in Valdivostock..."

Devrim

[Robocommie]

In capitalist west, banks rob you!

Hah, I like that one, it works, too.

[Pavlov's House Party]

Which Smirnoff, dating back to the late 70s, made an entire career out of. Maybe he didn't invent them, but he certainly popularized them.

Leon Trotsky invented the first such joke:

"Let a man find himself, in distinction from others, on top of two wheels and a chain — at least in a poor country like Russia — and his vanity begins to swell out like his tires. In America it takes an automobile to produce this effect."

:D

[the last donut of the night]

It is 1928, and the tractor factory in a small near Moscow town has just had a new chairman of the Soviet appointed.

He feels a bit nervous as he goes to address the workers on at the first mass meeting, and self consciously he starts "Comrade workers in ten years time, every single one of you will have their own radio". The workers burst into loud applause, and he feels his nerves begin to settle. "Comrade workers in twenty years time, every single one of you will have their own car". This goes down even better than his first statement and the applause is ecstatic. He decides to take it on step further. "Comrade workers in thirty years time, every single one of you will have their own private airplane". This leave the workers a bit non-plussed. There is no applause whatsoever.

Finally an old mechanic stands up and asks "But comrade Chairman, why will every worker need their own private airplane*" to which the chairman replies "Well, when you hear they have sausages in Valdivostock..."

Devrim

i sleep better at night when devrim posts in chit-chat

[gorillafuck]

It's imperialists like you who tell these jokes that caused the collapse of the USSR!!