"Stupid things you heard"-thread

[Dimentio]

Alright, provide us with the stupidiest quotations you've ever heard, and give us the sources and context. Then we could have a contest when we reached a hundred entries.

[Fawkes]

My Facebook status: "White Americans, what, nothin better to do? Why don't you kick yourself out, you're an immigrant too"

Comment from douchey kid: "yeah but we were here first, they snooze the loose"

[MarxSchmarx]

"You would make a ship sail against the wind by lighting a bonfire under her deck!? I have no time for such nonsense."
Napoleon, upon learning of the steam engine.

[Kamerat]

"We did not travel to Norway to see our own sun." "We got the impression that you had another sun here in Norway. This is pure fraud we want our money back."

An American couple on a cruise, after realizing that the midnight sun was just The Sun.

[Sean]

Don't have an actual quote but one person who was not exactly up with this evil evolution thing believed that according to Darwin, Chinese people were evolved from crocodiles.

[Pavlov's House Party]

Here's a whole page of them:

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Incorrect_predictions

[Pavlov's House Party]

When Victor Adler objected to Berchtold, foreign minister of Austria-Hungary, that war would provoke revolution in Russia, even if not in the Habsburg monarchy, he replied: "And who will lead this revolution? Perhaps Mr. Bronstein [Trotsky] sitting over there at the Cafe Central?"

[Dimentio]

Alright, I am going to provide you in abundance, a number of quotes which are so deeply mind-numbingly stupid that you actually would become less intelligent by reading them.

They are all coming from an old class-mate in primary school. He was a bit, well... not so very smart, even though he saw himself as that. These all quotations come from the ninth grade, and I still remember how I had to restrain myself to not ROFLMAO when I originally heard them. They did not come as an exception but as a rule. I will anglicise his pretty unique way of talking.


We could begin with politics. On the American presidential election 2000.

"I like Boosh! Hu-hu-hu! Boosh is better than Gore 'cauz Boosh won moar states! Hu-hu-hu! I am smart right?"

"I'm goin' to NUKE ISRAEL! I'm goin' to WIPE 'EM ASSES!"

"Social Democrats are stupid! Therefore I'm goin' to vote conservative! Hu-hu-hu! I'm smart right?"

On physical exercise and gaming

"Uh-hu-hu-hu! I'm gunna train so I get stronger than MIKE TYSON 'n BEAT UP ALL 'DEM HIPHOPPERS! Uh-hu-hu! I'm smart right? I'm smartest of all!"

"I'm gunna get 50 000 HP 'n STAB A GOD! UH-HU-HU! I'm smart right?"

On Eve

Eve had destroyed his brilliant "burglar alarm" which he had constructed under a technology class (the alarm ceased to squeak when it was activated by a burglar). He became very angry at Eve.

"I'M GUNNA WIPE EVE'S ASS! WIPE ASS HARD! WIPE! ASS! HARD!"

(yes, that is what you want to do with your mortal enemy, follow them to the end of the world with a roll of toilet paper to wipe their bottom)

Later, Eve had been involved in one of those typical teenage dramas. My classmate took up on a crusade against her, telling everyone (including her personally) that he was going to...

"UH-HU-HU-HU! I'M GOIN' TO SLANDER EVE AND SPEAK TO EVERYONE ABOUT HOW RETARDED SHE IS, SO SHE IS GUNNA BE HATED AND I WILL BECOME THE MOST POPULAR OF ALL! UH-HU-HU! I'M SMARTEST OF 'EM ALL, RIGHT?"

Supervillain...

Songs

He sometimes sang in public, and made his own texts

"IDA HAS A NIPP-NIPP, A NIPP-NIPP, A NIPP-NIPP IN HEAD!"

On religion

Teacher: "Today we are going to talk about Islam. *** you are a muslim, right? Could you tell us about Ramadan?"

He: "I'm worshipping SATAN! I'm worshipping BIG ASS-HOLE! UH-HU-HU-HU!"

That brought the understanding about Islam within the class back about 300-400 years.

On poetry

"My dad is smart. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter. His dad was even smarter."

On pork eating.

"PII-IIG! YOU'R GUNNA BURN IN HELL! PII-IIG!"

On school

"FUCKIN' SWEDISH TEACHER! I'M GUNNA WIPE HIS ASS! HOPE THEY GET HIM, THAT CEREBRAL PALSY MOTHERFUCKER!"

"I'M GUNNA CALL 80 000 SO HE GET SHIPPED OFF TO DISABILITY CENTRAL! I'M SMART RIGHT?"

(Note, 90 000 was the Swedish equivalent to the American 911, and a prevailing myth was that if you called 80 000, you could report people for the homes of the mentally challenged. My classmate actually called that number, but then run and hide because he was afraid that they were going to pick him instead)

"LORD OF THE FLIES! UHHHHHHHHHHH! HUSH! HUSH! HUSH!"

(Yes, that is right, if you have managed to lose a book the teacher allowed you to borrow from the school, the best way to evade suspicion of that is to try to hush everyone talking about that book to prevent them making the teacher associate that with you)

"I'M GUNNA BEGIN SPECIAL EDUCATION! I'M SPE-CIAL! UH-HU-HU! MEANS REST OF YOU ARE RETARDS! I'M SMARTEST OF YOU ALL! I'M SPE-CIAL! UH-HU-HU!"

He was going to start special education for High School, because of failing to pass Swedish and English.

I should not omit to mention that guy used to fart as long as someone either said anything less flattering about him in the classroom or when his proposals were rejected by popular vote, creating an ungodly smell. The conflict was not resolved before the teacher organised a vote in the classroom during UN Day when the class collectively voted for banishing him if he continued to fart.

Due to space limits, I will omit to show you the questions he wrote when he tried to make his own sex education test. Simply because they are so stupid that I believe that they have negative IQ and thus at the same time are brilliant.

At the end, the teacher felt so sorry for him so she arranged for his dad to give the entire class free pizza, so he wouldn't be a complete outcast.

His voice was a bit like Winnie the Pooh on helium by the way. I'm almost starting to suspect that he in reality was very smart and was IRL-trolling us all.

[Sentinel]

This woman at my work said that when she had visited Venezuela, she had been shocked that it was illegal to send a postcard abroad. It really annoyed me as I knew it was impossible, so I sent an SMS to one of those idiotic 'ask anything' services, and they confirmed it was bullshit.

Apparently she had been fooled by some anti-chavez douchebag in Venezuela. Too bad that she had probably already told half of her town that it was so, before I put an end to it.

[Ele'ill]

There's quite a few posts on this very forum that would take the top ten spots immediately.

[Aloysius]

My teacher: Be quiet! Let me finish my conversation!
Me: I'm pretty certain conversations require 2 or more people.
Teacher: Get out!

To explain, she was yelling at people for trying to converse with her about some poorly worded questions on a quiz we took today.

[NoOneIsIllegal]

"This Glenn Beck book is really good."

[Il Medico]

I usually can think of millions (as I've heard millions), but I'm drawing a blank right now, I'll get back to you.

[BIG BROTHER]

"Obama is a socialist" a stupid political statement by my aunt...

[Il Medico]

Everything out of my mother's mouth on Politics. Where the hell did I go wrong to have her turn into a glen beckite. :crying:

[GPDP]

God, anytime drugs are brought up around my parents. Especially my mom.

Me: Marijuana isn't even that bad compared to a lot of other drugs, even alcohol.
Mom: Just wait until someone you love dies because of it.
Me: ................................

[Luisrah]

My biology teacher:

''Yes, the class is all here except the one that didn't come today'' I suppose she's correct huh?

''I support sexual education classes in school, because if their absence the man knows nothing about the woman, the woman knows nothing about the man, and vice-versa'' Jesus Christ I laughed so much

''In some places instead of plastic bags they use paper bags. It's a hard paper that if it gets water it gets wet'' Well, it makes sense right?

[John "Eh" MacDonald]

Me: Why isn't anybody home?

My friend: They must be snowed in.