Xvall
17th August 2003, 21:04
This is the thread that ought hold the truths about the ‘founding fathers’ of the United States for all eternity. You may add your own conclusive analysis and facts to this list if you so desire. I will start now, and provide several well grounded facts about these men that can not be debated or argued against.
For several months after his death 1439, James Madison's ghost reportedly lingered around the chutney factory where he was born.
On a whim, Andrew Jackson once gathered every distinguished gentleman he could find into his bedroom and screamed obscenities until they all left.
President Zachary Taylor's tendency to wander around the White House in an opium-induced stupor wearing only a strategically placed nightcap was not highly publicized.
In his four year term, Franklin Pierce thwarted and dismembered 285 ninja assassins.
Andrew Johnson never once set foot inside the White house. Instead, he performed his presidential duties from within a giant, hollow watermelon in Mexico.
The last words of Ulysses S. Grant were, "Use my corpse for a sled." Unfortunately, his body spontaneously combusted moments later, and his wish was never fulfilled.
Rutherford B. Hayes achieved his presidency not by vote, but rather by voodoo and powerful sorcery.
When he was a young man, James Garfield was said to desire nothing more than a full head of hair and an unlimited supply of ox blood. This explains his support of the 409th Amendment, which states that the current president shall be allowed a full head of hair and an unlimited supply of ox blood.
"Chester Arthur" was a pseudonym. His actual name was Normal Schelmitsen, aka "The Stockholm Sadist."
In public, Grover Cleveland donned a rotating bow tie, pre-dating the one seen in the film Pee-Wee's Big Adventure by nine years.
Every Halloween, the skull of Benjamin Harrison rises from its grave, spins around three times, and then plunges back into the hearth. This event has occurred on Canada Day several times as well.
William McKinley was impeached in 803 B.C. after being accused of sexually assaulting a circus clown.
Theodore Roosevelt came up with the name "America" in 1902. Prior to that event, the majority of the American population referred to the country as either 'Jesusland' or 'Englandsucksville'.
William Taft's mustache was generally considered to be a step up from Theodore Roosevelt's. Roosevelt declined comment.
All of Woodrow Wilson's pants were custom made to accentuate his left buttock and de-emphasize his right.
Calving Coolidge voted for himself 1,900 times and even admitted it, but the public didn't care because they thought he was cool.
While visiting France, Herbert Hoover thought he had accidentally killed the French Prime Minister and blamed it on Zorro. In the end, it turned out that the man he killed was a mere street performer. Hoover and his bodyguards all had a good laugh afterwards.
Harry Truman's initial objective was to disband the Amish Mafia. After failing miserably, he quickly changed his focus to easier tasks, such as tying his shoes, and even tying other people's shoes. By 1952 he could tie two shoes at once, with his eyes closed.
Lyndon B. Johnson was allergic to almonds, goat dander, and Swedish prostitutes.
After resigning from Presidency, Richard Nixon enjoyed a brief career as an offensive lineman for the San Francisco 49ers. In 1981 he died of a catnip overdose in his Hollywood penthouse.
According to a pie chart, or possibly some other type of chart or perhaps even a graph; during the years Ronald Reagan spend in office, the rate of autoerotic asphyxiation related deaths reached its highest point in over five million years.
George Bush created and patented a pair of underwear made out of Twizzlers. He wore them on the day of his Pagan wedding to Barbara Pierce.
William Jefferson Clinton was 100% certain that he had all the powers of The Hulk; he just never got angry enough for us so see them in action.
For one glorious night in 1995, William Clinton allowed H. Ross Perot to fill in as President while Clinton stepped out for a cigar. Luckily, Perot was too damn giddy from sitting in the chair to make any legislative decisions.
George W. Bush was almost assasinated by a pretzel.
For several months after his death 1439, James Madison's ghost reportedly lingered around the chutney factory where he was born.
On a whim, Andrew Jackson once gathered every distinguished gentleman he could find into his bedroom and screamed obscenities until they all left.
President Zachary Taylor's tendency to wander around the White House in an opium-induced stupor wearing only a strategically placed nightcap was not highly publicized.
In his four year term, Franklin Pierce thwarted and dismembered 285 ninja assassins.
Andrew Johnson never once set foot inside the White house. Instead, he performed his presidential duties from within a giant, hollow watermelon in Mexico.
The last words of Ulysses S. Grant were, "Use my corpse for a sled." Unfortunately, his body spontaneously combusted moments later, and his wish was never fulfilled.
Rutherford B. Hayes achieved his presidency not by vote, but rather by voodoo and powerful sorcery.
When he was a young man, James Garfield was said to desire nothing more than a full head of hair and an unlimited supply of ox blood. This explains his support of the 409th Amendment, which states that the current president shall be allowed a full head of hair and an unlimited supply of ox blood.
"Chester Arthur" was a pseudonym. His actual name was Normal Schelmitsen, aka "The Stockholm Sadist."
In public, Grover Cleveland donned a rotating bow tie, pre-dating the one seen in the film Pee-Wee's Big Adventure by nine years.
Every Halloween, the skull of Benjamin Harrison rises from its grave, spins around three times, and then plunges back into the hearth. This event has occurred on Canada Day several times as well.
William McKinley was impeached in 803 B.C. after being accused of sexually assaulting a circus clown.
Theodore Roosevelt came up with the name "America" in 1902. Prior to that event, the majority of the American population referred to the country as either 'Jesusland' or 'Englandsucksville'.
William Taft's mustache was generally considered to be a step up from Theodore Roosevelt's. Roosevelt declined comment.
All of Woodrow Wilson's pants were custom made to accentuate his left buttock and de-emphasize his right.
Calving Coolidge voted for himself 1,900 times and even admitted it, but the public didn't care because they thought he was cool.
While visiting France, Herbert Hoover thought he had accidentally killed the French Prime Minister and blamed it on Zorro. In the end, it turned out that the man he killed was a mere street performer. Hoover and his bodyguards all had a good laugh afterwards.
Harry Truman's initial objective was to disband the Amish Mafia. After failing miserably, he quickly changed his focus to easier tasks, such as tying his shoes, and even tying other people's shoes. By 1952 he could tie two shoes at once, with his eyes closed.
Lyndon B. Johnson was allergic to almonds, goat dander, and Swedish prostitutes.
After resigning from Presidency, Richard Nixon enjoyed a brief career as an offensive lineman for the San Francisco 49ers. In 1981 he died of a catnip overdose in his Hollywood penthouse.
According to a pie chart, or possibly some other type of chart or perhaps even a graph; during the years Ronald Reagan spend in office, the rate of autoerotic asphyxiation related deaths reached its highest point in over five million years.
George Bush created and patented a pair of underwear made out of Twizzlers. He wore them on the day of his Pagan wedding to Barbara Pierce.
William Jefferson Clinton was 100% certain that he had all the powers of The Hulk; he just never got angry enough for us so see them in action.
For one glorious night in 1995, William Clinton allowed H. Ross Perot to fill in as President while Clinton stepped out for a cigar. Luckily, Perot was too damn giddy from sitting in the chair to make any legislative decisions.
George W. Bush was almost assasinated by a pretzel.