A friend of mine was raped.

[Pretty Flaco]

I'm not sure whether this should go in learning, or discrimination, or mutual aid, or what but:
I discovered today that a good friend of mine was raped a few months ago. For a while she had gone without telling anybody because she was scared and horrified. Now they can't arrest the guy either, because there's no physical evidence...
what can I do to help her? :crying:

[leftace53]

Thats a tough situation, and its just horrendous your friend had to go through that. All I can really think of is to not make her feel bad that she didn't turn him in/report it. She must have felt extremely vulnerable at the time, and while it might have been good to report it, its not cool to make her feel guilty of feeling scared. Obviously you won't do this intentionally, so all in all, just to be careful when talking about the subject.
A good thing you can be is approachable if she needs someone to talk to. Don't push her to talk if she doesn't want to, just be there if she does.

[this is an invasion]

You should probably be asking her that question. If she doesn't want any help then listen to her.

but if she's down, then fuck that dude up. Post his face everywhere with flyers that say "RAPIST" hella big.

[al8]

How about we don't troll?
- RedAnarchist

[jake williams]

Care about her. Let her know (you don't necessarily have to tell her explicitly) that she has a right to feel about it however she feels, but that she probably shouldn't feel guilty because it's not her fault. Do you know what sort of relationship she has with the guy who did it?

[Invincible Summer]

@ Cymro - I think you should just approach your friend and ask her if you can help her in any way, and just let her know you're there for her. Other than that, I don't think there's much to do...

has she been to a rape crisis centre?

[Pretty Flaco]

She was raped by somebody that she barely knew.

and her parents are mormon and they'll only let her see a mormon counselor, but she doesn't want to see one because she knows that they'll just tell her to pray.

[gorillafuck]

If she wants to talk then listen but don't pressure her is the best advice I can give. But this definitely should not be in the learning forum.

[jake williams]

She was raped by somebody that she barely knew.

and her parents are mormon and they'll only let her see a mormon counselor, but she doesn't want to see one because she knows that they'll just tell her to pray.
If it's someone she barely knew and she can't go see a proper counselor then there really is nothing you can do other than be supportive.

There is a tricky balance when people are in situations like that or have things happen to them like that between, on the one hand, minimizing it and not caring about it, and on the other, obsessing about the experiences and treating them like doomed damaged goods and so on. Honestly the most helpful thing to do is a be a good friend and a decent person.

[RedAnarchist]

I'm going to move this to Chit Chat, but that doesn't make this thread any less serious.

[Pretty Flaco]

Thanks for the advice guys. I'm going to give her all the support I can, without dwelling on the rape.

But honestly, I feel like I want to beat this guy. I want him to feel that torture that he gave to her. I want to unleash her suffering onto him... and I feel horrible for feeling this. I just want some retribution enacted.

[BuddhaInBabylon]

Thanks for the advice guys. I'm going to give her all the support I can, without dwelling on the rape.

But honestly, I feel like I want to beat this guy. I want him to feel that torture that he gave to her. I want to unleash her suffering onto him... and I feel horrible for feeling this. I just want some retribution enacted.

Your feelings are normal 100%. However, take heed to the words that i manifest thusly: This isn't about you or how you may feel about what that dude deserves. Believe that in due time, he will get his. Taking matters into your own hands will work out badly for you. The "justice" system is not sympathetic to vigilante retribution. And so, if it can be taken care of legally somehow using the system, then pursue that route, if you are in the position to do so. Fuckin the dude up and landing yourself in jail just takes you away from being available to be a support to your friend, which is what she needs more than anything right now. Especially if she comes from a fundy family that would likely not understand or sympathize with her.

[#FF0000]

You know shit's serious when I'm telling you to go to the police.

But yeah, do that. Even if there's no physical evidence and she can't prove it, I think having been accused of it makes it very hard for this guy to get away with the same thing in the future.

Also, tell her to go see a doctor if she hasn't already.

Also, don't cave the rapist's fucking face in, as much as he richly deserves it and as much as it might make you feel better, you'll face repercussions, and more importantly, she'll be involved in the ensuing nonsense that comes of it.

So. Tell her to report it anyway, don't beat guy up. As for the therapist I don't even know. I have an awful fucking feeling that a Mormon therapist, aside from telling her to pray, will do some awful victim blaming. I don't have any reason to think this other than the religious thing, but I don't know. She should definitely seek counseling if she needs it. A rape crisis center might help, and I'm sure they won't go telling the parents she's getting help there. Also you can call them so check it:

http://rapecrisis.com/

Also remember that you can't really do anything to help her aside from be there and give her help she asks for. Obviously, don't criticize, don't downplay what happened (Saying something like "It's not such a big deal, you can get over this.", no matter how empathetic you are trying to sound, is downplaying.), don't try to be in control of the conversation and dispense advice that wasn't asked for (people do this by accident a lot), and don't speak to the police or anything for them.

At the same time, don't let them blame themselves, and let them know that they're there, that you're going to listen, and of course, that you believe them.

And if you yourself need counseling or support from supporting her (it can take its toll), then there are councilors you can see as well.

Good luck, to both of you.

[Quail]

Is it possible for her to see a counsellor without her parents finding out, or would she feel uncomfortable about that? (I guess it would also depend on her age.)

The only thing you can do is be there for her, and just keep an eye on her to make sure she's coping.

I'm sorry she had to go through this.

[ContrarianLemming]

Is it possible for her to see a counsellor without her parents finding out, or would she feel uncomfortable about that? (I guess it would also depend on her age.)this, perhaps you could help her go in secret to a proper counselor.

in fact, perhaps - if she agrees it's worth it - you and her could - and I know it sounds sneaky - lie to her parents about where she is on weekly visits to a therapist, if shes in college then perhaps you could say theres some club that you both joined are such, or just she joined.
If I was her I would definitly try get some real help, that said, a Mormon councilor isn't necessarily bad, perhaps she could try it once and she how they are.

And as mentioned above, even accusing the rapist of rape (though without a ounishment) will damage him, it means any future accuscations will be more seriously looked into
Theres also a lot of fine rape support forums she could try.

I wish you and her the best of luck.

[Imposter Marxist]

Rape, the most vile of all crimes. I am sorry, Comrade.

[Dr Mindbender]

I'm not sure whether this should go in learning, or discrimination, or mutual aid, or what but:
I discovered today that a good friend of mine was raped a few months ago. For a while she had gone without telling anybody because she was scared and horrified. Now they can't arrest the guy either, because there's no physical evidence...
what can I do to help her? :crying:
are you sure theres no evidence?

Its not outside the realms of possibility that there were witnesses or the act was caught on CCTV.

Definitely go to the police asap, the longer she leaves it the easier it will be for the defence to build a case.