Jimmie Higgins
30th November 2009, 04:09
As part of my one-man war on Christmas, I've come up with (what I like to think is) a good prank.
For the rest of the year whenever I can I'm going to pretend that I think Santa Clause is 100% real. I will try especially hard when evangelicals give me the "It's 'merry Christmas', not happy holidays" crap or "Jesus is the reason for the season" shit. The trick will be to not come off as someone with a mental problem or a child in an adult body; I will try and present my Santa belief as an article of faith like belief in God.
Here's how I imagine a conversation might go down:
Disbeliever: Yeah, well you don't seriously believe in Santa.
Me: Of course I do, don't you have any faith?
Dis: No, it's just parents giving kids presents. No one lives in the North Pole and drives a sleigh of flying reindeer!
Me: You may not believe in him, but don't push your views onto me. I don't abide religious intolerance.
Dis: But there's no evidence! Sir, this is just getting silly.
Me: I don't need evidence, it's my faith. Besides, it's impossible to disprove the existence of Santa, so your disbelief is just as much based on faith as my belief.
Dis: Oh for fuck's sake! So on Christmas morning you get a bunch of presents that no one else could have possibly put there unless they landed on your roof and slide down the chimney?!
Me: Well I never get any presents from Santa.
Dis: Hmmm, well could that just maybe be because HE DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST?
Me: I find that unlikely - I just do a lot of naughty things I guess. I'm not worthy for presents.
Dis: God damn it! Ok, ok, so if you're naughty, you must get coal then, right?
Me: No, don't be silly. Santa's gone green. He puts natural gas in naughty people's stockings.
Dis: Yeah, or he's fake!
Me: Maybe he's testing me. Testing my faith.
Dis: You're making me very uncomfortable, please stop talking to me.
---------End Scene--------------
If anyone corners me with sound logic for the non-existance of Santa, I have an escape plan:
Me: Oh, no. You're thinking of the crude commercialized Coca-Cola Santa Interpretation. I'm swiss-orthodox and believe that Saichlaus is the one true Santa and Schmutzli is his helper.
For the rest of the year whenever I can I'm going to pretend that I think Santa Clause is 100% real. I will try especially hard when evangelicals give me the "It's 'merry Christmas', not happy holidays" crap or "Jesus is the reason for the season" shit. The trick will be to not come off as someone with a mental problem or a child in an adult body; I will try and present my Santa belief as an article of faith like belief in God.
Here's how I imagine a conversation might go down:
Disbeliever: Yeah, well you don't seriously believe in Santa.
Me: Of course I do, don't you have any faith?
Dis: No, it's just parents giving kids presents. No one lives in the North Pole and drives a sleigh of flying reindeer!
Me: You may not believe in him, but don't push your views onto me. I don't abide religious intolerance.
Dis: But there's no evidence! Sir, this is just getting silly.
Me: I don't need evidence, it's my faith. Besides, it's impossible to disprove the existence of Santa, so your disbelief is just as much based on faith as my belief.
Dis: Oh for fuck's sake! So on Christmas morning you get a bunch of presents that no one else could have possibly put there unless they landed on your roof and slide down the chimney?!
Me: Well I never get any presents from Santa.
Dis: Hmmm, well could that just maybe be because HE DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST?
Me: I find that unlikely - I just do a lot of naughty things I guess. I'm not worthy for presents.
Dis: God damn it! Ok, ok, so if you're naughty, you must get coal then, right?
Me: No, don't be silly. Santa's gone green. He puts natural gas in naughty people's stockings.
Dis: Yeah, or he's fake!
Me: Maybe he's testing me. Testing my faith.
Dis: You're making me very uncomfortable, please stop talking to me.
---------End Scene--------------
If anyone corners me with sound logic for the non-existance of Santa, I have an escape plan:
Me: Oh, no. You're thinking of the crude commercialized Coca-Cola Santa Interpretation. I'm swiss-orthodox and believe that Saichlaus is the one true Santa and Schmutzli is his helper.