IllicitPopsicle
28th November 2009, 20:51
By AgentOrange
If Jesus did in fact exist and he will in fact be reincarnated, his re-arrival to Earth is gonna be fucked by the very religion he created. Due to the rise of the ultra-capitalist, ultra-conservative, fundamentalist televangelist scam-junkies, his rebirth will be called a farce on television (right after the call for donations so that the 150,000 sq.ft mega-ultra-superchurch can be expanded, gentrifying/eminent-domaining hundreds of poor households in the process) and his credibility will be shot upon exiting the womb (and, by the way, this time it won’t be an immaculate conception).
He’ll be birthed in Atlanta or Birmingham - or fuck, even L.A. - by a latina/black single mom, and there will be nothing special about his birth. No Jedi shit, no “I knew he was special, even as I had him,” just a birth. Hell, it might even be a C-section. She’ll take him home to her dive - a crappy one-room apartment in the bad part of town - and try to raise him the best she can on her slew of poverty-wage, part-time jobs. She will rarely, if ever, have time to nurture him or even raise him.
He learns to be self-sufficient by age 12, finding edible food in dumpsters and from sympathetic small-business owners. He excels in school, despite not having an incentive, because he knows there’s something more for him past the shit he’s forced to live in. All the little pious rich white kids mock him, because their big pious rich white parents told them that the little poor black/latino kid who doesn’t even go to a good church - if at all - is supposed to be Jesus, and that’s a sacrilege. So kick his ass, little Johnny. He deserves it.
As a result, Jesus learns how to fight. He also learns to hate religion as a result of his torment at the hands of people who are supposed to be following his every footstep, and becomes an atheist (yeah, that’s right, Jesus is an atheist). By the time he turns 16, he’s developed a taste in political music - rap, punk rock, even some metal - and has already found anarchism on some subconscious level. His grades in high school remain high, but scholarships are scarce. He doesn’t like sports, despite being physically fit, and he gains a strong sense of feminism and environmentalism from watching his mother support him and from the experiences he had as a youth. There’s even a possibility he might be gay.
He receives his first true anarchist pamphlet at the first punk show he goes to. It’s being held at a little place called an Infoshop, and the front of the building is stocked full of stimulating literature for the young adult, updated version of the Savior to pore through. He becomes a disciple of Noam Chomsky, Emma Goldman, Hakim Bey and others, and starts his own Zine, writing, drawing on, printing and distributing it in his high school and around his town. He even sends copies of it - a 5.5X8.5 folded and stapled rag called “RAD GOSPEL,” filled with music, photos and radical politics, and with the headline “Fuck The System, Cause I’m Back, *****” - to some other underground music and culture magazines, where his masterpiece gets rave reviews.
Eventually, the small-time evangelists get wind that lil’ Jesus is reppin and steppin in their Holy territory, and they like it not one bit. Their weekly sermons turn from calls for more profit to hate-filled diatribes against him, saying his message of “DIY OR DIE!” is one direct from “SATAN HIMSELF,” that the kid who is really the Christian Savior is the Antichrist instead, and on and on. And so it happens that the angry and ignorant adults run him outta town.
He hitches up to Seattle and makes it just in time for the 15th anniversary of the 1999 WTO protests, where he finds an under-the-surface makeshift city alive with the comings and goings of real-life anarchists. Finally, a chance for Jesus to make a difference!
For days, Jesus walks around the camp, learning how to make barricades, lockboxes, how to patch up small wounds gotten from rubber bullets and other useful trades of the revolution; when the big day of protest comes, he mops the place up with his awesomeness. No cop can take him down with any of their weapons or by brute force.
Jesus becomes the most wanted - and subsequently the favorite - anarchist in the country, committing hundreds, if not thousands, of crimes against the police state, corporate interests and other tools of oppression. He continues his zine distribution, gathering more and more friends, pen pals and “disciples.”
When he’s in his thirties, he launches a massive firebombing campaign against the modern Christian church system, destroying the televangelists who tried to destroy him, ending the illusion his religion caused. He takes out the final block to a truly free society, and the country ascends into anarchy.
The end.
If Jesus did in fact exist and he will in fact be reincarnated, his re-arrival to Earth is gonna be fucked by the very religion he created. Due to the rise of the ultra-capitalist, ultra-conservative, fundamentalist televangelist scam-junkies, his rebirth will be called a farce on television (right after the call for donations so that the 150,000 sq.ft mega-ultra-superchurch can be expanded, gentrifying/eminent-domaining hundreds of poor households in the process) and his credibility will be shot upon exiting the womb (and, by the way, this time it won’t be an immaculate conception).
He’ll be birthed in Atlanta or Birmingham - or fuck, even L.A. - by a latina/black single mom, and there will be nothing special about his birth. No Jedi shit, no “I knew he was special, even as I had him,” just a birth. Hell, it might even be a C-section. She’ll take him home to her dive - a crappy one-room apartment in the bad part of town - and try to raise him the best she can on her slew of poverty-wage, part-time jobs. She will rarely, if ever, have time to nurture him or even raise him.
He learns to be self-sufficient by age 12, finding edible food in dumpsters and from sympathetic small-business owners. He excels in school, despite not having an incentive, because he knows there’s something more for him past the shit he’s forced to live in. All the little pious rich white kids mock him, because their big pious rich white parents told them that the little poor black/latino kid who doesn’t even go to a good church - if at all - is supposed to be Jesus, and that’s a sacrilege. So kick his ass, little Johnny. He deserves it.
As a result, Jesus learns how to fight. He also learns to hate religion as a result of his torment at the hands of people who are supposed to be following his every footstep, and becomes an atheist (yeah, that’s right, Jesus is an atheist). By the time he turns 16, he’s developed a taste in political music - rap, punk rock, even some metal - and has already found anarchism on some subconscious level. His grades in high school remain high, but scholarships are scarce. He doesn’t like sports, despite being physically fit, and he gains a strong sense of feminism and environmentalism from watching his mother support him and from the experiences he had as a youth. There’s even a possibility he might be gay.
He receives his first true anarchist pamphlet at the first punk show he goes to. It’s being held at a little place called an Infoshop, and the front of the building is stocked full of stimulating literature for the young adult, updated version of the Savior to pore through. He becomes a disciple of Noam Chomsky, Emma Goldman, Hakim Bey and others, and starts his own Zine, writing, drawing on, printing and distributing it in his high school and around his town. He even sends copies of it - a 5.5X8.5 folded and stapled rag called “RAD GOSPEL,” filled with music, photos and radical politics, and with the headline “Fuck The System, Cause I’m Back, *****” - to some other underground music and culture magazines, where his masterpiece gets rave reviews.
Eventually, the small-time evangelists get wind that lil’ Jesus is reppin and steppin in their Holy territory, and they like it not one bit. Their weekly sermons turn from calls for more profit to hate-filled diatribes against him, saying his message of “DIY OR DIE!” is one direct from “SATAN HIMSELF,” that the kid who is really the Christian Savior is the Antichrist instead, and on and on. And so it happens that the angry and ignorant adults run him outta town.
He hitches up to Seattle and makes it just in time for the 15th anniversary of the 1999 WTO protests, where he finds an under-the-surface makeshift city alive with the comings and goings of real-life anarchists. Finally, a chance for Jesus to make a difference!
For days, Jesus walks around the camp, learning how to make barricades, lockboxes, how to patch up small wounds gotten from rubber bullets and other useful trades of the revolution; when the big day of protest comes, he mops the place up with his awesomeness. No cop can take him down with any of their weapons or by brute force.
Jesus becomes the most wanted - and subsequently the favorite - anarchist in the country, committing hundreds, if not thousands, of crimes against the police state, corporate interests and other tools of oppression. He continues his zine distribution, gathering more and more friends, pen pals and “disciples.”
When he’s in his thirties, he launches a massive firebombing campaign against the modern Christian church system, destroying the televangelists who tried to destroy him, ending the illusion his religion caused. He takes out the final block to a truly free society, and the country ascends into anarchy.
The end.