TC
12th November 2009, 21:58
Allies asking questions
The issue of asking questions has come up in several comment threads I've been involved in lately. Lots of others have written great comments on the topic, but because it comes up over and over again I think it deserves its own post. When it ends up being addressed in comments only, the topic of when and where and how to ask questions ends up being a derail of its own.
There is a commenting pattern in posts covering topics about social minority groups (trans people, for example) that goes something like this:
Commenter A: I don't understand something about your minority group. Would you like to explain it to me?
Commenter B: Asking minorities to explain themselves is a form of privilege. Please look this information up yourself.
Commenter A: But how am I supposed to learn if you don't teach me? Why are you calling me privileged when I'm trying to help?
This kind of exchange has also gotten uglier than this, on both sides of the conversation, with accusations of arrogance and snottiness and overprivilegedness. What the "Commenter A" types are saying often seems to boil down to "I'm willing to listen if you disagree with something I say, but you seem to be saying that I don't have the right to ask a question. You don't have the right to tell me not to ask questions!"
Here's part of what I think is going on. In the culture in which most of us grew up, we are taught that asking questions is the key to our own educational progress. We spend at least 12 years, often more, in formal schooling asking teachers our questions, and being encouraged to do so. We are told that there is no such thing as a stupid question, and we spend the grand majority of our days and weeks with professional question-answerers.
Then you go on a blog, ask a question, and suddenly the rules change. People tell you that it isn't ok to ask a question, which goes directly against your entire formal education. You feel like you're a good person, and you're trying to do the right thing. This feels like rejection, and it makes you angry.
Your feelings make sense. They're also, respectfully, your own problem . Let me explain.
For so many reasons, the conversations we have on blogs are not the same as formal schooling. When you ask a question, you are probably thinking of yourself as a student. When you were a student, you asked questions of your teachers. Your teachers were in a position of power over you in several ways: they had the ability to assign you work and to grade your performance, they were sanctioned by an entire hierarchy of school officials, they were generally older than you. They also had had the opportunity to choose to be question-answerers: they chose and trained for the profession, and they received monetary rewards and possibly also symbolic rewards such as certifications and prizes for their work. Importantly, they also had the opportunity to choose NOT to be question-answerers.
By contrast, a member of a minority group to whom you are talking on a blog is in a position of less power. If you're asking question, you are most likely not a member of the same minority group- this gives you power. The minority has no ability to assign things to you or to grade them, no hierarchy of officals behind them, no average age difference. They almost certainly had no choice over whether or not they would be considered a minority, and the only training they have done is that learning about the dominant group which is necessary to survive in society. They receive no monetary reward and rarely receive any intangible rewards like recognition or acclaim.
When you are in a position of power over someone else--even if this is just a coincidence of birth, even if you sincerely believe in equality, even if you have the absolute best of intentions--it is your job, and always your job, to work to understand how your unearned privilege is at play in the situation.
No, you won't know how you are privileged automatically. Yes, you will have to learn and you will make mistakes. But that doesn't mean that you have the right to ask any question, any time, of any minority group or group member in order to learn. You just don't. This is because believing that you have the right to have any and all of your questions answered on demand is also a privilege .
Members of minority groups have a lot to teach us, but they are not our personal tutors. Testimony after testimony has come up on this and other blogs about how it feels to be in the position of constantly explaining oneself (short version: exhausting and oppressive).
So if you have a question, what do you do? Here is what I suggest.
Pause.
When you're involved in a conversation, on this blog or anywhere, really, and you realize that you want to ask a question...
Pause.
Ask yourself a few things, while you're paused. Start with:
Is this something that I could easily find out in another way, such as a search engine? Could I look through the archives and see if this has come up before? Is there a blog in the "links" section that deals specifically with this group that I could search?
If the answer is yes, then do that. (Honestly, that's true even if the comment thread DOESN'T involve a power imbalance- why clog up the works with things that you could easily find on your own?)
If the answer is no, then you need to ask yourself: how much do I really need to know the answer to this question? Is it just idle curiosity? Is it something I'd really like to understand, but that I could put off for a while? Do I actually have a burning need to know this, because (for example) I'm going to apply it to some legislation I'm planning to draft up tomorrow?
Next, you need to weigh your need to know against the chance that asking the question will cause harm to the person on the short end of the power imbalance- emotional harm emphatically included. In order to understand whether your question will cause harm, you will need to listen . This is why it's important to pay attention to threads and other blogs by and about minority groups when you don't have questions. Beyond that, rely on simple empathy- put yourself in the other person's place. For example, is your need to know important enough to risk bringing up a very painful memory for the other person in the conversation?
Say you decide that you really would like to know, but you think it might cause harm or you aren't sure. You've tried looking it up but haven't had any luck. What do you do? At this point, strongly consider simply not asking. I realize this isn't easy- especially on the internet, we are all pretty used to instant gratification. Ally work is (and should be) actual work sometimes- and if this is as hard as that work gets, realize that you're still pretty damn privileged. If there's a blog related to the minority group in question, consider reading it regularly for a few weeks to see if the answer turns up. In the meantime, do some inner work- think about the process and about your own frustration, and hopefully you will come out on the other side with a better understanding of privilege and power.
What if you've determined that you really do need to know, and that to the best of your understanding the question will not cause great harm to the person you're asking, in spite of the power imbalance? Ask, but ask respectfully. Do not demand an answer or explanation. Tread lightly, and never assume that you're the first person to ask this question of this individual. Say thank you. And if no one responds, return to the previous bullet point.
It may seem that because minority groups or individuals are participating in a blog thread, they are making an active choice to be a question-answerer. If you act based on this assumption, you will naturally be surprised and hurt when someone refuses to answer your question. Remember that there are degrees of participation, and that everyone has the right to decide for themselves how much they want to participate. Answering one question doesn't mean a minority group member has to answer EVERY question put to them. Authoring a post or being a moderator probably indicates that the individual is more willing to answer than someone who has just commented, but still doesn't mean anyone has to answer every question put to them. We are all human beings here, and we all have our limits.
Pause, be respectful, and do your research. Posted by SociologicalMe (http://www.feministing.com/profiles/SociologicalMe) - November 01, 2009, at 09:34AM (http://community.feministing.com/2009/11/allies-asking-questions.html) | in Education (http://community.feministing.com/education/)
http://community.feministing.com/2009/11/allies-asking-questions.html
The issue of asking questions has come up in several comment threads I've been involved in lately. Lots of others have written great comments on the topic, but because it comes up over and over again I think it deserves its own post. When it ends up being addressed in comments only, the topic of when and where and how to ask questions ends up being a derail of its own.
There is a commenting pattern in posts covering topics about social minority groups (trans people, for example) that goes something like this:
Commenter A: I don't understand something about your minority group. Would you like to explain it to me?
Commenter B: Asking minorities to explain themselves is a form of privilege. Please look this information up yourself.
Commenter A: But how am I supposed to learn if you don't teach me? Why are you calling me privileged when I'm trying to help?
This kind of exchange has also gotten uglier than this, on both sides of the conversation, with accusations of arrogance and snottiness and overprivilegedness. What the "Commenter A" types are saying often seems to boil down to "I'm willing to listen if you disagree with something I say, but you seem to be saying that I don't have the right to ask a question. You don't have the right to tell me not to ask questions!"
Here's part of what I think is going on. In the culture in which most of us grew up, we are taught that asking questions is the key to our own educational progress. We spend at least 12 years, often more, in formal schooling asking teachers our questions, and being encouraged to do so. We are told that there is no such thing as a stupid question, and we spend the grand majority of our days and weeks with professional question-answerers.
Then you go on a blog, ask a question, and suddenly the rules change. People tell you that it isn't ok to ask a question, which goes directly against your entire formal education. You feel like you're a good person, and you're trying to do the right thing. This feels like rejection, and it makes you angry.
Your feelings make sense. They're also, respectfully, your own problem . Let me explain.
For so many reasons, the conversations we have on blogs are not the same as formal schooling. When you ask a question, you are probably thinking of yourself as a student. When you were a student, you asked questions of your teachers. Your teachers were in a position of power over you in several ways: they had the ability to assign you work and to grade your performance, they were sanctioned by an entire hierarchy of school officials, they were generally older than you. They also had had the opportunity to choose to be question-answerers: they chose and trained for the profession, and they received monetary rewards and possibly also symbolic rewards such as certifications and prizes for their work. Importantly, they also had the opportunity to choose NOT to be question-answerers.
By contrast, a member of a minority group to whom you are talking on a blog is in a position of less power. If you're asking question, you are most likely not a member of the same minority group- this gives you power. The minority has no ability to assign things to you or to grade them, no hierarchy of officals behind them, no average age difference. They almost certainly had no choice over whether or not they would be considered a minority, and the only training they have done is that learning about the dominant group which is necessary to survive in society. They receive no monetary reward and rarely receive any intangible rewards like recognition or acclaim.
When you are in a position of power over someone else--even if this is just a coincidence of birth, even if you sincerely believe in equality, even if you have the absolute best of intentions--it is your job, and always your job, to work to understand how your unearned privilege is at play in the situation.
No, you won't know how you are privileged automatically. Yes, you will have to learn and you will make mistakes. But that doesn't mean that you have the right to ask any question, any time, of any minority group or group member in order to learn. You just don't. This is because believing that you have the right to have any and all of your questions answered on demand is also a privilege .
Members of minority groups have a lot to teach us, but they are not our personal tutors. Testimony after testimony has come up on this and other blogs about how it feels to be in the position of constantly explaining oneself (short version: exhausting and oppressive).
So if you have a question, what do you do? Here is what I suggest.
Pause.
When you're involved in a conversation, on this blog or anywhere, really, and you realize that you want to ask a question...
Pause.
Ask yourself a few things, while you're paused. Start with:
Is this something that I could easily find out in another way, such as a search engine? Could I look through the archives and see if this has come up before? Is there a blog in the "links" section that deals specifically with this group that I could search?
If the answer is yes, then do that. (Honestly, that's true even if the comment thread DOESN'T involve a power imbalance- why clog up the works with things that you could easily find on your own?)
If the answer is no, then you need to ask yourself: how much do I really need to know the answer to this question? Is it just idle curiosity? Is it something I'd really like to understand, but that I could put off for a while? Do I actually have a burning need to know this, because (for example) I'm going to apply it to some legislation I'm planning to draft up tomorrow?
Next, you need to weigh your need to know against the chance that asking the question will cause harm to the person on the short end of the power imbalance- emotional harm emphatically included. In order to understand whether your question will cause harm, you will need to listen . This is why it's important to pay attention to threads and other blogs by and about minority groups when you don't have questions. Beyond that, rely on simple empathy- put yourself in the other person's place. For example, is your need to know important enough to risk bringing up a very painful memory for the other person in the conversation?
Say you decide that you really would like to know, but you think it might cause harm or you aren't sure. You've tried looking it up but haven't had any luck. What do you do? At this point, strongly consider simply not asking. I realize this isn't easy- especially on the internet, we are all pretty used to instant gratification. Ally work is (and should be) actual work sometimes- and if this is as hard as that work gets, realize that you're still pretty damn privileged. If there's a blog related to the minority group in question, consider reading it regularly for a few weeks to see if the answer turns up. In the meantime, do some inner work- think about the process and about your own frustration, and hopefully you will come out on the other side with a better understanding of privilege and power.
What if you've determined that you really do need to know, and that to the best of your understanding the question will not cause great harm to the person you're asking, in spite of the power imbalance? Ask, but ask respectfully. Do not demand an answer or explanation. Tread lightly, and never assume that you're the first person to ask this question of this individual. Say thank you. And if no one responds, return to the previous bullet point.
It may seem that because minority groups or individuals are participating in a blog thread, they are making an active choice to be a question-answerer. If you act based on this assumption, you will naturally be surprised and hurt when someone refuses to answer your question. Remember that there are degrees of participation, and that everyone has the right to decide for themselves how much they want to participate. Answering one question doesn't mean a minority group member has to answer EVERY question put to them. Authoring a post or being a moderator probably indicates that the individual is more willing to answer than someone who has just commented, but still doesn't mean anyone has to answer every question put to them. We are all human beings here, and we all have our limits.
Pause, be respectful, and do your research. Posted by SociologicalMe (http://www.feministing.com/profiles/SociologicalMe) - November 01, 2009, at 09:34AM (http://community.feministing.com/2009/11/allies-asking-questions.html) | in Education (http://community.feministing.com/education/)
http://community.feministing.com/2009/11/allies-asking-questions.html