Yuri Hadyegda
4th November 2009, 22:58
I have come you to all before in the past, but yet I have never met you at all. Time changes me just as I change time. I am still what I am, but not who I was. I will make no attempt to hide my identity. I owe you all an apology. Words do not account for actions, but I feel I acted foolishly and cruelly towards you all, and you did not deserve it.
I am a complex and difficult character, and I hope that by explaining myself you might come to understand who I really am. When I was very young, not even 10 years old, my parents had a series of vicious arguments and fights. I cannot explain the level to which they have affected me. For a long time, I was severely depressed, and up to recent times I had bouts of depression. I contemplated suicide from time to time, but never committed myself to it. Even though such thoughts left my head, I still would have sudden mood swings that caused me to act irrationally.
A little more than a year ago, I decided that I would become politically conscious. At first, I looked towards fascism, considering myself right-wing. But the more I thought about it, the less appealing it seemed. Then, one day, I read a definition of communism, and I felt that something about that definition was me. I hated greed, I hated racism, I hated inequality. I loved people, I loved the environment, I loved technology. This realization made me come to my senses for the very first time in life. I began to seriously consider what this word meant, and who the people who believed in it, communists, really were.
I now had something to live for. No more would I spend days thinking of all the pain I felt inside of me. I now had a cause: to rebel against the society that tried to destroy me and rescue the unfortunate people of the world from the horror of capitalism.
It is perhaps because I came to this realization that I am still alive today. There are times where I feel little or no emotion, but I still think of what a wonderful world I can help create, of all of the people I can save. I felt isolated, but whenever I see a young person like myself rising up against the conformity of society, I cannot help but feel like I am part of something truly great.
Yet, I still must atone for my actions. I know there is nothing I can say that can wipe away the harm of what I have said. I know I will be banned from this forum once more. I was disappointed when all of my early efforts culminated in failure, but I still felt maybe there was something I still had to say, some good I could contribute. I do not ask you to forgive me, all I ask is that you understand who I am, and that I am truly sorry for all of the wrongs I have committed against you all.
I was Oktyabr once, but I hope never to be him again. I have learned with the passing of time, and I have come to know who I really am. You may never truly come to understand me, but all I wish is for you to know what I feel.
I may never make up for what I did, but know now that I am anguished by the stupidity of my actions. Even if you do not accept me, accept my apology. Thank you for your time, I have learned much from you all.
All the best,
Yuri Hadyegda
I am a complex and difficult character, and I hope that by explaining myself you might come to understand who I really am. When I was very young, not even 10 years old, my parents had a series of vicious arguments and fights. I cannot explain the level to which they have affected me. For a long time, I was severely depressed, and up to recent times I had bouts of depression. I contemplated suicide from time to time, but never committed myself to it. Even though such thoughts left my head, I still would have sudden mood swings that caused me to act irrationally.
A little more than a year ago, I decided that I would become politically conscious. At first, I looked towards fascism, considering myself right-wing. But the more I thought about it, the less appealing it seemed. Then, one day, I read a definition of communism, and I felt that something about that definition was me. I hated greed, I hated racism, I hated inequality. I loved people, I loved the environment, I loved technology. This realization made me come to my senses for the very first time in life. I began to seriously consider what this word meant, and who the people who believed in it, communists, really were.
I now had something to live for. No more would I spend days thinking of all the pain I felt inside of me. I now had a cause: to rebel against the society that tried to destroy me and rescue the unfortunate people of the world from the horror of capitalism.
It is perhaps because I came to this realization that I am still alive today. There are times where I feel little or no emotion, but I still think of what a wonderful world I can help create, of all of the people I can save. I felt isolated, but whenever I see a young person like myself rising up against the conformity of society, I cannot help but feel like I am part of something truly great.
Yet, I still must atone for my actions. I know there is nothing I can say that can wipe away the harm of what I have said. I know I will be banned from this forum once more. I was disappointed when all of my early efforts culminated in failure, but I still felt maybe there was something I still had to say, some good I could contribute. I do not ask you to forgive me, all I ask is that you understand who I am, and that I am truly sorry for all of the wrongs I have committed against you all.
I was Oktyabr once, but I hope never to be him again. I have learned with the passing of time, and I have come to know who I really am. You may never truly come to understand me, but all I wish is for you to know what I feel.
I may never make up for what I did, but know now that I am anguished by the stupidity of my actions. Even if you do not accept me, accept my apology. Thank you for your time, I have learned much from you all.
All the best,
Yuri Hadyegda