crappy sonnet i wrote for my english class

[Azygous]

not my best work at all but it is relevant to the forum so i thought i'd post it anyway.

“Always to victory!”
Agonizing darkness covers the blind,
Chained, and shamelessly lethargic masses.
The bright light of bravery breaks the binds
After a thought of hope opens eyelids.

The broken chains cut through the brittle sky.
From the wounded heavens, passion rains down
And teems into a rebellious cry
Which shatters the authoritative crown.

The warm and sweet light of freedom cleanses
Bitter memories from the former slave.
A creator, not a worker, rises
To ride the revolutionary wave.

Chains of darkness have a tendency to
Return and rebellion must always renew.

[mentalbunny]

Not bad, reckon it could do with a little redrafting, it's got a ton of potential!

[Pete]

:) Some constructive criticism, I am assuming this is a Shakespearian (or Elizibethan) sonnet, and the Ryhming scheme should be ABAB CDCD EFEF GG. In the first stanze the BB is more like BH. Just some technical stuff. Good poem though.

[Azygous]

Quote: from CrazyPete on 5:11 pm on Mar. 16, 2003
:) Some constructive criticism, I am assuming this is a Shakespearian (or Elizibethan) sonnet, and the Ryhming scheme should be ABAB CDCD EFEF GG. In the first stanze the BB is more like BH. Just some technical stuff. Good poem though.

yeah you are right.....oh well.

[mentalbunny]

Azygous, don't get disheartened, you've got the makings of a great poem, aty the moment it's rpetty good but I'm sure you can make it even better. Just sit down and play around with some stuff, I'm looking forward to seeing the result!

[Pete]

Yet to alter it so much as that you loose your connection. That is what makes the poem yours, the emotional attachment that is you. Just change it for strucutre then smile at it.