Crap stuff I wrote. - Tell me your reactions (in detail).

[canikickit]

You're all wrong; I 'm half left.
I'm amazed and my heart is bereft,
With a chill of fear at the thought of the hundreds and thousands,
which to some represent suffering, but to others a buffering,
a buffering of depraved, decandent, destruction,
an upheaval of man, akin to an eruption,
.........
the powers of advertisments, designed for seduction.

The world is run by "bloody, bawdy villain(s)! Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain(s)! Oh......."*
For fuck's sake. No wonder I'm half baked.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
I am supposed to do nothing.
What will I do.
Something.

A Message to Sanity

What is it about the banality of every-day life?
To live to learn, to learn indeed: how other have money to burn.
Why is it riches and wealth for which people yearn?
One would think that relaxation and health were the ends to which aim.
Should one enjoy being confused by their games?
The things people say to exaggerate their claims.
Pretending to be something you are not;
so they can give what they have, and you get what they've got.
Are these the reasons for people to live?
To prosper in lies and strive for an end (until their end)?
The bough needs to break, it has yet to bend.
In short, it everyday life entails to much strife, too much bullshit.

(Edited by Lyndon B. Johnson at 2:51 am on Nov. 3, 1963)


(Edited by canikickit at 2:54 am on Feb. 4, 2003)

[Rastafari]

First: What would possess Lyndon B. Johnson to edit your work?
Second: While it shares a lot of the same angry dribble that all of the other poems on here do (which I think is good, to a point), it has something different, as well, a refining quality that I think lies in its more realistic approach. But who am I to say? I like it, man

[peaccenicked]

It is full of contrast perhaps outright contradictions but the best poetry is: indeed thats what it is all about. To
retreat in order to commune on a deeper level. You have
got across some of the feeling, at least an objective aspect of it of a modern rational being facing modern irrational conditions. It is very good in that this ought to be expressed, but the language is perhaps raw but that is not an immediate flaw but an expression of line of possible development towards greater refinement and preciseness of language. A worthwhile goal for worthwile poetic content. I like it as it stands.

[canikickit]

Thanks a lot guys, like the title of the thread suggests I wasn't particularily impressed myself. It was all a little forced. My thinking was also a little abstract, so they kind of jump around the place.

There's a quote there from Hamlet, which I was supposed to credit (the astrix).


Everywhere I look I see contradictions, I can't get past them, sometimes I can't make sense because of them.

[Rastafari]

Oh, I noticed that, man. Act Two, Scene Two. Great part, too. Hamlet is one of my favorite works of literature. "Why, What an Ass am I!This is most brave,That I, the son of dear father murdered, Prompted by my revenge by heaven and hell, Must like a whore unpack my heart with words...:
Thouhgh your excerpt just before suits much better.
Hamlet is filled with good stuff for anything, though

[Panamarisen]

Although I know it to be very difficult to achieve, why don´t you try, canikickit, writing poems in prose ("prose peotry")? You got the spirit and you got inner content, so why don´t you try it? (Just a suggestion...)

¡HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE!

[sin miedo]

I like them. Keep at it.

[praxis1966]

I don't think you should refine your work or make your language any more precise than it already is. Your word choice and phrasing are somewhat akin to the cinematographic styles used in European action movies: polished, yet at the same time visceral. If you took the edge off your words, they wouldn't have the same gut-punch effect. That's your style; don't betray yourself. ;)

By the way, would I be stealing your thunder if I posted a piece of my own? Or would you rather I started a new thread?

[canikickit]

ah, my thunder is pretty much gone anyway :biggrin:

Nah, I don't mind post away. It'll forever be under the title "Crap stuff I wrote" though.

Panamarisen what exactly do you mean?

[hawarameen]

i love a message to sanity its great

[canikickit]

I agree Hawar. I read it again, it's pretty brilliant.

[Panamarisen]

What I mean is about writing poems under a prose structure, not verses (with or without rhyming). An example could be the ones written by Baudelaire
In a way, prose poems could be compared to short tales at first sight, but they aren´t.

¡HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE!

[praxis1966]

Well, since you gave your permission CIKI, here goes... It doesn't have a title so maybe you guys could help me out with one.

Space and time intersecting over a vertical axis--
Elemental and Frigid
Isolating the struggle and then falling like precipitants in a beaker
Liberation from the suspension jelly of our american castes
Removal from sycophantic politicians
Assailants, virtue, dishonor, stratification, brutality, assimilation, and namelessness
The swirling vortex of capital ensnares
Swallowing and collapsing on itself, consuming our manhood
Emasculates
Mental bondage of lead and gold, separated by solely by one subatomic particle
An ocean's division, as the England from ooo dot sss dot
Take down that flag.
Pulsating destinies on ribbons of reason
Culminating in disorder, breading reorder, breading objectification, breading malcontent
Breading apatriotism, the vaccine against oppression
Take down that flag
Open the floodgates and let my brothers and sisters in
My esses in the barrios, my clique on the project block
North AND South Cove Boulevard, them fellers from yonder
Biff, Sally, and Josie and Tanner and Tucker
We know there's a dinner party and we're sick of table scraps
Draw me a sculpture of medows minus barbwire
Paint me hands ambulating toward truth
Justice of injustice in fallow young minds
Curtains drawn, add some vertical blinds and shackles and crosses and urine sweat soaked spines
I am here with my name and eyes which can see
With a heart beating in circles,
Beating in circles, beating in circles, beating in circles
Ancestors screaming from centuries ago
Move on young lad, take hold young lad, realize young lad
And from the birthpangs and gestations of new milleniums
Promises of sorrow, grief, agony, trust, tumors malignant and cockatrice benign
I raise my fist, heart, soul, friends, relations, and head and say
Take down that flag
And raise a new one.

By the way, how does the new avatar look? Not too pixelated, I hope.

(Edited by praxis1966 at 1:31 pm on Feb. 11, 2003)

[peaccenicked]

wow. Powerful writing.

[praxis1966]

Thanks, man. I was afraid it was a little cheesy.

[American Kid]

No, not cheesy at all.

I thought it was really cool and I even felt like you had something resembling a "narrative" going on there.

I got it though. Destroying the present system, resurrecting it (and therefore the PEOPLE) as something new- with a completely different "bannner" if you will. I'll be honest and say that the first thing I thought of when I neared the end and saw where you were going with it, was Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odysee" (sic).

I'm not a poet, so I apologize if my critique can't be more "succint" or expert in it's analysis (my thing is more like film scripts, shit like that; I'm a filmmaker) (ahem, ASPIRING filmmaker). But it was obviouly written with heart and honest convictions, which are two things you can't ask more of from any writer, be they poets or script-writers.

Good stuff,
-ak

[praxis1966]

AK: If you got my PM you know how much that kind of feedback means to me, or any "artist" for that matter. I put artist in quotes cuz I don't really consider myself one. Anyway, if you have any scripts in the works, PM me with your personal e-mail address. I'd love to read them, as I think that I might like to direct someday.

[canikickit]

praxis,

Like you I don't consider myself an artist. I also don't consider myself a poet, and particularily not a talented one.

I find it difficult to even catagorise what I write, I do not view them in the same way I view "poetry".

I don't like poetry. I tried to explain what I mean here (http://www.che-lives.com/cgi/community/topic.pl?forum=21&topic=383) (also on page 3), and if you read it, I'd appreciate any reaction you have.

As for your writing above, I don't think it is for me to say if it is "good" or not, I know my writing is good because I only write it for me. It clears things up in my head a bit, and therefore helps me. I'd imagine your writing does the same for you (I guess alll creative expression does). This paragraph is meaningless spoof, of course.

Okay, I read it again and I thought it was excellent.

Part of what I dislike about poetry is the fact that it is often so personal that can only be understood properly from the writers perspective.

EDIT: I tried to read it twice before that, and I couldn't. My brain just said "fuck this". It's all part of my hugely conflicting views on art of all kinds.

(Edited by canikickit at 8:13 pm on Feb. 14, 2003)

[praxis1966]

I had to laugh while reading your last post. I have some pretty conflicted emotions about my own stuff as well.

I understand what you mean about the personal nature of it, though. I don't think anyone who lives outside of my hometown would get the Cove Boulevard reference. But it's not just that.

In certain parts of it I just diverge into wild tangents of flowery language. All of it means something to me, but would just read like a mess of flowery language to the transient reader.

And you're absolutely right. I don't consider myself an artist. I never want to call myself an author, a poet, or a musician. Even though I've written alot of short stories, poems, and play bass. I think that a lot of so-called artists only call themselves that so they can get layed.

They're a bunch of snooty, pretentious pricks and I would hate to think that I had been lumped into the same category of people they so tenaciously aspire to be.

[canikickit]

In certain parts of it I just diverge into wild tangents of flowery language. All of it means something to me, but would just read like a mess of flowery language to the transient reader.

Yeah, that's another thing. Stuff like "Assailants, virtue, dishonor, stratification, brutality, assimilation, and namelessness
The swirling vortex of capital ensnares ", which would probably sound good if it is read aloud, might just look ridiculous to the reader (just an example it works in this case, I think).

That's why some poetry might not be as good if a reader doesn't pick up the rhythm.

[praxis1966]

To be perfectly honest, it was meant to be read aloud. That's why U.S. is spelled phonetically. I tried to simulate what it would sound like if it were a spoken word piece, but I'm not sure that it turned out quite like I wanted it to.