MY NEW POEM - please evaluate.

[Revolution Hero]

I want to reach the Sun,
To fly towards the Star,
To be in the eternal run,
After killing right-handed Tsar.

I am from another World,
Full of heavinly Power,
I have become very Old,
While sitting in the prisoners' Tower.

I want to destroy the Time,
Before destroying the present,
My blood is Your Vine,
Taste it, it is pleasant.

My spirit will never die,
The energy of my word
Will kill any lie
With the force of a Sword.

[komsomol]

I thinks its good, but the fact that it rhymes makes me laugh.

[Revolution Hero]

What is wrong with the rhymes?

[I Bow 4 Che]

(Edited by I Bow 4 Che at 8:11 am on Aug. 18, 2002)

[I Bow 4 Che]

ok here we go, I will give you a reply

>>>I want to reach the Sun,
To fly towards the Star,
To be in the eternal run,
After killing right-handed Tsar.

Hrm...very cliche, truly sorry

>>>I am from another World,
Full of heavinly Power,
I have become very Old,
While sitting in the prisoners' Tower.

the rhyme seems very forced sowwwy I like the first 2 lines though, very interesting


>>>I want to destroy the Time,
Before destroying the present,
My blood is Your Vine,
Taste it, it is pleasant.

nice analogy! I would take away the before time though if that is even what you were getting at, maybe my misconception

>>>My spirit will never die,
The energy of my word
Will kill any lie
With the force of a Sword.

Love this stanza! Brilliant ending...good job!

So in conclusion the ending was great, the rest was too cliche and forced (I take it this is your first poem)

and if you are going to say "who are you to say??" I have actually had some of my poems published previously...doesn't mean I'm good, just means I read and write ALOT of poetry.




(Edited by I Bow 4 Che at 8:14 am on Aug. 18, 2002)

[komsomol]

Sorry I couldn't reply sooner, its just some wierd thing, rhymes make me laugh, I am not sure why yet.

[Revolution Hero]

I Bow 4 Che, actually it is my second poem in English. I posted my first poem here, too. You can find it somewhere in "Literature".
But I have about 100 poems written by me in Russian.
Anyway, thanks for your critic, I am self -critical person and I don't like some parts of my poem either.

[Supermodel]

Very good poem.

First of all I thought of Rasputin when I was reading it. I also picked up the reference to wine, which can be the downfall of many a good person.

If the energy of your word can kill any lie like a sword, does that mean you are sure you can identify lies from truth? Many of us have beleived lies at some time in the past.

By the way, your English is great. I hope to sign up for a poetry class soon.

[Anonymous]

AHHHHH Rasputin that great men!!!!! now there is a real Monster! do you know how many times he was shoot in the backs? he was poisened with enough poison to kill a horse, then stabbed, shoot, they putted dogs attacking him, then he fell to a half frozen river, and when they found his body he strugled inside the water to survive! he almost survived all that! If there is something trully supernatural in the world its Rasputin!

[Revolution Hero]

Quote: from Supermodel on 5:55 am on Aug. 21, 2002
Very good poem.

First of all I thought of Rasputin when I was reading it. I also picked up the reference to wine, which can be the downfall of many a good person.

If the energy of your word can kill any lie like a sword, does that mean you are sure you can identify lies from truth? Many of us have beleived lies at some time in the past.

By the way, your English is great. I hope to sign up for a poetry class soon.


*Thanks.

Of course, I try to give some hidden meaning to my poems, but each person can interpret it in the way he/she considers it right, and this interpretation will never be wrong. For example, you thought of Rasputin, somebody will think of a different person or even event.

*Lie is always apparent, when there is a certain base for analyzation and judgment. The capitalist world is built on lies, and the most important task of an educated man is to show these lies to the mass, destroying the veil of hypocritical phrases and show it's real meaning and the motives which are behind it. I just never trust the information , untill this information will be proved to be correct.

*About the poetry class.
One of the famous modern russian poets was asked if he could teach somebody to write poems. He answered, that he could , but he never would do this. The point is, that a person, who have a talent, have to develop it independently from the influence of other poets ( teachers).

[anti machine]

if its gonna ryhme, ummm, how bout a rythym?

[Revolution Hero]

Anti machine, are you talking about teaching how to write poems?
I can't think of a method how to teach somebody to find rhymes, but I think it is possible to teach a certain rhythm style.
But in my case , all these came naturally .

(Edited by Revolution Hero at 12:04 pm on Aug. 24, 2002)

[anti machine]

im just saying that a real rythym in a ryhming poem is exceptionally important-thats why i avoid ryhmes. I dont get a sense of rythm when i read yours. It should flow, almost like the lyrics of a song. That's what separates the men from the boys. BUt, hey, its your second poem in english so, hell, good job.

[Revolution Hero]

Then, why don't you learn to rhyme, boy?

[anti machine]

oh, i can ryhme. I'm a lyricist. Poems simply dont convey as powerful a message when you bury yourself in a rhyme scheme. Im not telling you how to write poems, I'm offering you the constructive criticism that you asked for.

[Revolution Hero]

well, this was done in the offensive way....

[anti machine]

yo dude, I apologize. I suppose its my nature when i critique. Sorry if i offended you, it really was a good poem. It evoked a great spririt of rebellion within me.

[anti machine]

:)

[Panamarisen]

Dearest RH:

The ideas inside the poem are so good and so important, I can clearly see it, but remember (and I say remember because I´m very sure you do know it) that the external form of the poem, I mean, how it´s written, is (or should be, I think) the most important thing in Poetry! In fact, form in Art guides you, in some way, to the contents and to the real meanings of what we want to express...
Kisses, comrade, and keep up the good job...

[peaccenicked]

I liked it, especially the last verse. It is a great expression of Gramsci's "optimism of the will''.

[Revolution Hero]

Thank you panamarisen and peaccenicked.
Peaccenicked your comments are very important for me, as I know that you write poems too. ( I guess even on professional level).

[Panamarisen]

RH, I happen to write poems too (lots of them already), although they are in Spanish and not politically-oriented, but rather existencialists... :wink:

HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE!

[Revolution Hero]

Panamarisen , you should try to write some in english.

[Panamarisen]

RH, I don´t write them in English, but you can be sure I´m familiar with reading and understanding Anglosaxon poetry in its language...

HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE!

[Revolution Hero]

Panamarisen post the poem you consider your best in Spanish. I learn this language and I can ask my teacher to translate the parts , which would be hard for me to understand. Thank you forward.

[Panamarisen]

Sorry for the delay, RH. Guess I just forgot about the thread...)
If you are still interested, I´m posting a couple of poems of mine. The poems are registered, but not published yet.
I´m not sure how they would sound in English, tho.

"QUIZA INUTIL"

Están del revés,
inmensos,
espejos idolatrados que cortan
los senderos de hiel.

La bestia no parpadea.
Contempla su consuelo de humo.
Mientras, destroza ciega
su frente
contra las voces que arbitran
la cadencia de los mármoles.

Pátina de las flores
que hieren,
ya no se verán los escombros
de lo tierno:
se olvidan siempre con la lluvia,
hastiada de piel.

Y la luna se pierde en sumideros
que nadie reclama.


"ACASO HOY ANSIE LA NOCHE"

Acaso hoy
ansíe la noche.

La noche rota,
incapaz de savias,
quemante de silencios
de luna proyectada,
hastiada de sí,
torturada,
redentora,
exuberante de olvido,
mágica y podrida,
soñando su indolencia
de noche añil.

Mañana...
Mañana puede ser
que la envidie,
cuando ancle su sosiego
en las huellas que
siempre
se están yendo,
las huellas que un día
supieron de mí
y que presenciaré celebrando
cómo se engulle
lenta
una muerte.
Porque también será ésta una
de tantas
noches rotas.


HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE!

[Socialmalfunction]

rh well i thought your poem was kool. i agree with anti machine though, poems should flow. but then i look at muzik as being poetry and poetry being life. i see it this way because i write poetry and yes, it happens to be my life.