I Will Deny You
19th June 2002, 06:05
This is one of the funniest books I've ever read. It contains two intertwined stores, and one of them is written in English by a Ukrainian student who is desperately trying to appear smarter than he really is. Here are some priceless quotes:
"If you're wondering what the *****'s name is, it is Sammy Davis Junior, Junior." ("the *****" is the seeing eye dog of a driver who thinks he is blind.)
"I dig Negroes, particularly Michael Jackson. I dig to disseminate very much currency at famous nightclubs in Odessa."
"I had performed recklessly well in my second year of English at university. This was a very majestic thing I did because my instructor was having shit between his brains."
(While quoting his mother) "'One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be a family.' What she does not clutch is that I already do things for her that I hate. . . . I resist complaining about my pygmy allowance. . . . I do not do these things because we are a family. I do these things because they are common decencies. That is an idiom that the hero taught me. I do them because I am not a big fucking asshole. That is another idiom that the hero taught me."
(While quoting his friend on the subject of 69) "'It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor.' 'What did people do before 1969?' 'Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus.'"
"The women I know who are taller than me are lesbians."
"I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story."
"If you're wondering what the *****'s name is, it is Sammy Davis Junior, Junior." ("the *****" is the seeing eye dog of a driver who thinks he is blind.)
"I dig Negroes, particularly Michael Jackson. I dig to disseminate very much currency at famous nightclubs in Odessa."
"I had performed recklessly well in my second year of English at university. This was a very majestic thing I did because my instructor was having shit between his brains."
(While quoting his mother) "'One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be a family.' What she does not clutch is that I already do things for her that I hate. . . . I resist complaining about my pygmy allowance. . . . I do not do these things because we are a family. I do these things because they are common decencies. That is an idiom that the hero taught me. I do them because I am not a big fucking asshole. That is another idiom that the hero taught me."
(While quoting his friend on the subject of 69) "'It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor.' 'What did people do before 1969?' 'Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus.'"
"The women I know who are taller than me are lesbians."
"I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story."