Some poetry/lyrics I wrote - Honest opinions people

[guerrillaradio]

This is the first draft of some lyrics I wrote for my band. It's not final, and I'm not so sure of some lines, but still, I would appreciate constructive criticism and/or (preferrably or, lol) praise. It's semi-political, attacking the whole 9-5 culture:

WHITE COLLAR SLAVE

To what you'll never have
To what you'll never be
For when you finally realise
You’re a created entity
For when you're finally sad
For when you finally see
You’re just a small statistic
In the production line slavery

White collar slave

You know, you really believed it
You thought you were really free
And you thought you'd found it
Some kind of identity
You thought you really liked this
Office mediocrity
But no, you’re just a being
Devoid of humanity

Mister fat cat businessman
Tells me how to behave
What I should be wearing
What I should do to be saved
Joe Bloggs is now a robot
In this world, so new and brave
Joe Bloggs is now a robot
A white collar slave

White collar slave

[Valkyrie]

Excellent comrade!

[Menshevik]

nice rhyme scheme.

[Fires of History]

I've been reading it again and again, looking for some source of criticism. I can't, I give up.

Excellent! This will make a great song!

The only small, minor, insignificant criticism I would have would be the idea of a "production line" going along with the "white collar" lifestyle. I would say, in my humble opinion, either expand the production line into a stanza-long metaphor to relate it better to those of the "white collar," or take it out altogether perhaps. I just know very few white collar workers who work the "line." But that also might be a cultural bias/difference.

Excellent! Keep them coming!

[guerrillaradio]

Thank you Paris and Menshevik...

FoH:

"I've been reading it again and again, looking for some source of criticism. I can't, I give up."

Wow, thank you :)

"The only small, minor, insignificant criticism I would have..."

LOL, knew you'd find something ;) (I'm joking, of course)

"I just know very few white collar workers who work the 'line.'"

I meant production line in the Brave New World sense, in that we're all raised by society to be office workers, as if we're in a production line. I have only just realised that it sounds like I'm referring to factories...that's not the case. I'll revise it to see if I can make that line better. Like I said, it's only a first draft....thank you very much though.

[Unknown]

Exellent, True Quality

Are you in a band, will you use thoese lyrics
If so i have intrest in what Bass line youll have (I PLAY BASS) If ya need any help on it ill be obliged

[guerrillaradio]

Yes I will use those lyrics in my band. I play bass as well, I've already worked out the song, it'll sound heavy, kinda Slayer meets Refused, if you get me...

[Fires of History]

Guerrillaradio,

To answer your question from Chit Chat about what music I had in my mind, I had two different 'versions.'

The first is the one you just described. Plenty of metal, with a really hard and fast chorus, perhaps like WHITE COLLAR SLAVE!!! Use the build up to 'explode' during the chorus and shout it almost as an indictment. Or something like that.

The other idea is one with lots of bass, a little slower pace, and the chorus is almost whispered. If you plan to say "white collar slave" more than once in your chorus (even though you printed it only once, I know), you could go:

White collar slave
White collar slave
Wear/? your collar
You white collar slave

Or something like that. I think the song will work best with a chorus that emphasized the word "collar."

I, however, know nothing about bass or guitar, so any chord questions and such...uhm...uhh....???

Keep in mind how many times I said: OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

:)

[guerrillaradio]

Well actually, I've kinda already written a song, I was just interested to see how people would interpret it. The song I wrote is more at one volume, just "heavy metal", as you call it. I figured it would sound most effective at a constant raging pace. Then after the second chorus, it whips into an awesome new guitar idea that I stumbled across by accident while writing a classical piece on piano...amazing where you get inspiration from isn't it??

[Kez]

Yo Guerilla, good shit man.

Y dont you slap up a biggy gig, then all money goes to a charity or summit ?

Comrade Kamo

[guerrillaradio]

Well, following the very positive response to the last one, I thought I'd post some more lyrics. This song about the cultural imperialism of the American monoculture, and the resultant apathy. It's a bit more adventurous, and I experimented with the rhyme scheme a bit. I've changed it in several ways from the original draft, and to be honest, I'm just trying to see what works. I'm not so sure about the chorus (in bold), but I'd be interested to see what you all reckon of it.

THE AMERICAN WAY

Individuals possessed by national emptiness
History destroyed; need something to fill the void
TV’s too real, make it so people can feel
Happy in their lives, so tell some lies

I’m stuck in this anti-culture that I despise
I’ve become a commodity, dehumanised
Everything’s a product, something to advertise
The American Way’s killed my consumer eyes

They can fake so we can too
Follow your lead we’ll be as good as you

The art is fast food and TV
Anything which feeds apathy
Constant denial stops disease
Together we've averted emergency

We used to care but now there’s nothing there
Senses gone since we switched on
The talk show host’s the one I love most
So nice to see such a nice lady

The invasion’s complete, our surrender accepted
Anything home grown is the new rejected
Everything’s destroyed, every person infected
The American Way’s left us all "corrected"

God’s just another credit card
To reach into your purse
Religion’s just a marketing niche
Quench our conforming thirst!!!

[guerrillaradio]

Quote: from TavareeshKamo on 10:17 pm on May 24, 2002
Y dont you slap up a biggy gig, then all money goes to a charity or summit ?

Gimme a chance mate!!! I need to get my band signed first!!

[man in the red suit]

beutiful,beutiful!!!




(Edited by man in the red suit at 8:26 pm on May 25, 2002)

[Fires of History]

Guerrillaradio,

As much as I like your second piece, I'll have to get back to you later.

Man In The Red Suit,

You're a fucking punk. You're no man in a red suit, you're a boy.

As I mentioned forever ago in the "For guys only" porn thread, my sister was raped. And what you and Gacky have composed here is not amusing in the slightest.

I really try my best to be understanding of other people's diverse and varied thoughts, beliefs, and ideas here, but you know, this is nothing but wrong. Plain wrong. Absolute wrong. You make me sick. I hope Malte deletes your juvenile and thoughtless post as soon as possible.

And if you think rape is so funny, I would hope you were raped one day. You wouldn't think it was so fucking funny then. Your disregard for women is appalling, and your really fucking lucky you didn't read this to me in person. Really fucking lucky.

Yeah, it's so easy to say "no intention of offending" after you post such shit. Heh. Why did you post that immature drool? Why would you even compose such a thing? Why would you think such bullshit is acceptable here? Acceptable anywhere for that matter? You need to get a fucking life.

Fuck you.

And fuck you.

And fuck you again.

Damn you're lucky you didn't read this to me in person. Rape is not a joke. You have no clue. No fucking clue at all. You have the audacity to feign offense when someone posts a pro-Palestinian comment, then you post a rhyme about raping some innocent girl.

You're the joke. You're no Comrade.

Fuck you.

And fuck you.

And fuck you again.

Your little composition is an insult to humanity. I hope you think about what a sick fuck you are for writing this. You comdemn suicide bombers but you willfully write about rape in a joking way. You're a fucking joke. You're a hypocrite. You are fucking slime. I hope you get raped, and some guy rips you up with his member. You make me sick, UnComrade.

Fuck you.

And fuck you.

And fuck you again.

[Fires of History]

Guerrillaradio,

I have a few more comments on your second piece than the first. As you said the first one flowed, and it seems this second one was more difficult- probably because it's a larger concept. I'll do an 'inside' editing.

THE AMERICAN WAY
by Guerrillaradio

Individuals possessed by national emptiness
(I love the 'possessed' followed by 'emptiness,' great alliteration; although maybe a two-syllable word instead of 'national')
History destroyed; need something to fill the void (I might take out 'something' altogether)
TV’s too (maybe 'so' instead of 'too') real, make it so people can feel (and then because of the 'so' change, make the second part something like 'make them think they feel')
Happy in their lives, so tell some (more) lies

I’m stuck in this anti-culture that I despise (great!)
I’ve become a commodity, dehumanised
Everything’s a product, something to (maybe 'all to' instead of 'something to') advertise
The American Way’s killed my consumer (or 'critical' or something else) eyes

They can fake (it) so we can too
Follow your (or 'their') lead we’ll be as good as you

The art is fast food and TV (maybe start with 'Art is now fast food and MTV')
Anything which feeds (our/your/their) apathy
Constant denial stops disease
Together we've averted emergency

We used to care but now there’s nothing there
Senses gone since we switched on (or 'plugged in')
The talk show host’s the one I love most
So nice to see such a nice lady (or maybe finish with 'So nice to see such a friendly ghost')

The invasion’s complete, our surrender accepted
Anything home grown is the new ('now' instead of 'new') rejected
Everything’s destroyed, every person ('everyone' flows better than every person) infected
The American Way’s left us all "corrected" (great!)

God’s just another credit card
To reach into your purse
Religion’s just a marketing niche (or 'market tool')
Quench our conforming thirst!!!


Wonderful stuff. I think my main advice would be to make sure you make your pronouns agree. Who is your audience. Is it 'their'? Or 'our'? Or 'your'? The lyrics here are much richer, and the topic much more complicated than White Collar Slave; and, as such, this one holds perhaps the most promise. As the adage goes, "Revise! Revise! Revise!" :)

[guerrillaradio]

Thanks FoH...I was trying to rhyme lines together in alot of it, (like possessed/emptiness, and host/most), and I'm not sure you always gathered that, but still thanks for your comments, I'll have another look. It's still very basic, and I was messing around with it alot, especially the chorus, which I don't like so much (the MTV idea sounds very good though, mind if I plagiarise??)


Quote: from Fires of History on 12:19 am on May 26, 2002
Wonderful stuff. I think my main advice would be to make sure you make your pronouns agree. Who is your audience. Is it 'their'? Or 'our'? Or 'your'?

I'm addressing several groups. Part of it's written from the perspective of the American infiltrators, as i call em (that's the "they can fake" part), part of it's from my perspective (the "anti-culture" bit), and part from the general consumer (most of the rest).

You're right, this song was much harder to right as I found myself trying to address more points and a wider topic...this one was written in several attempts whereas White Collar Slave just burst out at 3am one night...

[Charango]

Oh my... I don't know what to say! Shame on me, you're by far the best poet on this site!!! Songs must be even harder to write! You're so lucky, you have amazing talent! Your lyrics really capture your feelings, you have no idea how lucky you are to be able to do that! I really like The American Way; I think it perfectly portrays what's become of this country; it couldn't be told any better! Wow, you are so good! I love the "invasion" metaphor. That really is what it's like. You should publish that, it would really open people's eyes to what's going on around here. Great job, keep it up! (Sorry I was kind of rambling.)

[guerrillaradio]

Quote: from Charango on 1:26 am on May 28, 2002
Shame on me, you're by far the best poet on this site!!!

Don't be silly...it's impossible to compare our poetry. I do very much like your work though, and thanks for the compliments :)